


The Meme War and More

by parsniffs, SailorChibiChibi



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: American History, Crazy, Daddy Kink, During Canon, Eventual Smut, F/M, Immaturity, Impersonation, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Intentionally Bad Spelling & Grammar, Keyboard Smash, M/M, Memes, Nationalism, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Patriotism, Politics, hetalia inspired, ladybug fetish, starts out like a shitpost then gets better
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-09-11
Updated: 2017-04-29
Packaged: 2018-08-14 12:59:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 17
Words: 25,839
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8014951
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/parsniffs/pseuds/parsniffs, https://archiveofourown.org/users/SailorChibiChibi/pseuds/SailorChibiChibi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Meme War is about to begin in the Unitedu Statesu against Britainu for control over the memes. Alexander Hamilton has recently been banished from his homeland of St. Nevisu and found himself in Americo at the wrong time. He meets John Laurens, Marquis de Lafayette, and Hercules Mulligan who reveal that everyone is responsible for a country. Even Hamilton himself. While Alexander is desperate to discover which country lies in his hands, everyone else is anxious to discover who the anonymous keeper of the Unitedu Statesu is. Whatever awfulness is spreading through the nation, it’s their fault and they need to be helped. Soon. Before Britainu reclaims the memes and the whole war was for nothing.</p><p>Updates on Sundays</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> If you want a quality fic you came to the wrong place.

“I am shitting out a baby” screamed a woman in labor.

That is when Alexander Hamilton is born.

“O shit wadup” were his first words. From that day, everyone knew Alexander Hamilton would be the dankest in history. When he was twelve he and his mother got sick from all the dankness. Being that dank was a curse. Alex managed to absorb the dank and heal but his mother overloaded and died.

“RIP in peace” said Alex to his mother’s grave.

He then moved in with his cousin who killed himself cause Alex was such a shit meme.

“Alex, stop sucking ass” were his last words before he died.

God was then like “Time to punish this boi” and sent a hurricane to St.Nevis. Everyone was screaming but Alex knew his dankness would keep him safe. He predicted correctly he was the last one alive. He got bored so he published memes to the local paper.

“Hamilton stop the memes” everyone said. “Get them out of our good, meme-free paper.” 

The people were so sick of him and his memes they all pitched in money to get him off the island. They hired an Olympic javelin thrower to toss him across the ocean to wherever the fuck they didn’t care. Everyone cheered and watched Alex fly away. He ended up in the Americoos where a cringe revolution was on the rise.

“Gross,” said Hamilton as soon as he landed. “Ew. Revolutions. Work. Ehhhhh” 

Alex decided to just fight in it so he can get it over with. His first task was to find Aaron Burr a meme master from Princeton. Burr wafted the scent meme magic so Hamilton just followed his nose hoping it would lead him to the right guy.

“Pardon me, are you Aaron Burr, dank,”

“No,” said Aaron Burr.

“BoI if YOu don’t STop LYING” he ranted. “I COULD SMELL YOUR CRINGE FROM 3 MILES AWAY!”

“What????? I thought I ate enough garlic” mumbled Burr to himself.

“Teach me in your memes sensei,” Alex pleaded.

“Or I could not.” 

“No you must” said Alexander.

“Alright well first step is to get really high so I"ll buy you a drink” said Burr finally.

“Wewoo” Alex celebrated.

Burr pursed his lips. “Step number two is to shut up and only communicate by memes. People who talk will Die”

“Shit” he mumbled.

From the other side of the bar three men emerged.

“WHAT TIME IS IT?”

“It is 11:43 exactl—” began Burr, but was promptly cut off.

“DAnK TIME!”

“Like I said it’s 11:43,” Aaron stated. He turned to Alex. “Those fools will Die. They try to meme, but they cannot. Do not be like those nerds.”

“Lmao bye Butt” he said as he ran off to hear these memers.

“It’s Burr,” pointed out Aaron indignantly, but Alex didn’t even hear over the shouting of the men.

“Look, it is a young fresh meme,” said one of the men. “He smells pretty dank. We should take him.”

“Teach him our ways” said another guy.

“Oui, oui, tres cringey,” said a guy who was clearly French.

“My guy,” said Hamilton to the French man. “Did they javelin-throw you out of your country too?”

“How you say, maybe,” he replied

“I am too high on memes to recall,”

“I can see that,” said Hamilton nodding. They all looked like they were floating three inches off the ground.  
“What kind of dank memes did you just take?”  
“Literally all of them.”

“Saaaaaaaaaame,” everyone said in unison.

“Petit DANK MASTER” said the French guy. “Je m’appelle Marquis de Lafayette.” Lafayette said.

“Howdy there I’m John Laurens,” said the one with freckles.

Hamilton nodded and turned to the guy sitting atop the bar too busy looking at his muscles to give his name. “Who’s this guy?”

“A lil shit,” said Laurens.

“YO FIGHT ME LAURENS!” the guy yelled, hopping off the bar and nearly landing on Hamilton.

“The name is actually Hercules Mulligan,” he corrected John.

“Gentlemen!” said Burr loudly across the bar. “Keep your voices down!”

Hercules rolled his eyes and turned to Hamilton. “He’s always on our case, that guy. He’s a fool, don’t end up like him.”

“Hmm. Funny, he said the same thing about you guys,” mumbled Alexander.

“He’s got a lot of talk and no game,” said Laurens. “A revolution’s about to break through and he still insists on standing on the sidelines and waiting.”

“What a loser,” Hamilton replied. “What kind of revolution do you mean?”

“Let me break it down for you,” Laurens began. “Basically Britain thinks they can be in control of what memes are made, sold, and taxed. America wants freedom for the country and memes.”

“It’s, how you say, injust,” chimed in Lafayette.

“Wow, what a big word for you,” teased Mulligan.

“I will fling you to the sun, Hercules,” Lafayette retorted.

“Maybe then I’ll finally meet something hotter than myself.” Mulligan posed.

“Anyway,” Laurens interjected. “We still don’t know your name, little dank.”

“I AM THE A-L, E-X, A-N, D, E-R WE ARE MEANT TO BE A COLONY THAT RUNS INDEPENDENTLY!” cried Hamilton. 

“You could have just asked me on a date,” Laurens mumbled silently. 

Lafayette stepped in front of Laurens and smiled. “Welcome, A-L, E-X, A-N, D, E-R!”

“I think you got hit on the head when they launched you off the catapult,” Hercules told Lafayette.

Hamilton smacked his lips. “You got a catapult? Lucky.”


	2. Hammy Ham the Clueless Man

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The bois get drunk and Hammyton doesn’t understand country holding.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow we actually managed to make another chapter.

“We may not live to see the memes,” Hamilton muses. “But I will gladly join the fight.”

The men surrounding him echoed the thoughts, staring into their cups mellowly.

“When our children look back on our lives,” Hamilton continued, rolling his own cup (that’s a fancy wine term I learned from reading a chuuya fic -parsniffs 2016) “They’ll certainly think of tonight. Right?” 

“Let’s have another round tonight,” said Mulligan, lifting his cup to toast. 

Laurens and Lafayette clinked their glasses with Mulligan, and Hamilton eagerly scooped up his cup to join. They all tapped rims and then downed their drinks in a single swallow. 

“Raise a glass to free memes something normal people can never take away,” Lafayette joins in.

“No matter what they tell you,” interjected Hamilton.

“Raise a glass to the four poor memes”

“Tomorrow, there’ll be more of us!” cheered Laurens. They all agreed loudly and laughed.  
“They’ll tell the story of us fucked up bois!”  
“That’s for sure,” said Lafayette.

Hamilton set his drink down on the bar counter and smiled brightly at his friends. Yes, his friends. He never had any friends on the island. Everyone hated him there. Why else would they throw him off? But these guys—they cared about him, and listened to him, and laughed with him. Not at him.   
“They’ll tell the story of tonight,” Laurens was still mumbling. He seemed to be deeper into his cups than everyone else. 

Hamilton looked at Laurens concerned. He met all these guys at the same time yet he felt a special connection with this nerd in particular. Hamilton stared at his freckles, his mind wandering off elsewhere.

“Mon ami, what is going on in that pretty little head of yours,” Lafayette asked. It took Hamilton a moment before he realized Lafayette was talking to him, or that he had suddenly gone so noticeably quiet.

“Oh nothing of importance,” Hamilton replied. “It’s just I’ve never had a group of friends before because everyone thought I was just an annoying piece of shit.”

“Well, we’re used to having a piece of shit hang around,” said Laurens, nudging Hercules’s arm. 

“Hey, like you aren’t a piece of shit too,” Mulligan retorted.

Hamilton just smiled knowing for once in his life he wasn’t the only outcast.  
“Les gas, we are all pieces of shit,” interjected Lafayette airily.

“Don’t sweat it Alex, we’re all in this together,” Laurens said with a cute little smile. 

No No No. You can’t have a crush on Laurens. Fuck. Hamilton busied himself by waving for the bartender so he could have another drink. Maybe if he got drunk enough, he wouldn’t be able to see Laurens and his adorable freckles and smile and he wouldn’t blush.

Lafayette seemed to be out of it when he said “Right now my country Franci is going to have problems if we don’t help America protect their memes.”

What? Lafayette must be really drunk, Hamilton thinks to himself.

“Oh, definitely,” agrees Hercules. “Irelandu has nothing really to do with this but it seems like a cool movement.”

“Et toi, Laurens?” Lafayette asks.

Laurens shrugged. “Germanu is dealing with its own things right now.”

Finally all eyes rest on Hamilton. Being the spur of the moment the only thing he could manage out was “What?”

Wow. The award for the most intellectual phrase ever goes to Alexander Hamilton. All the men stared at him blankly, before Laurens suddenly said, “Oh! St. Nevisu, right?”  
What the hell are they talking about?

“What do you mean?” Hamilton asks.

“You’re from St. Nevisu, yes?” said Lafayette. “You’re most likely St. Nevisu’s country holder then.”

“Country holder?” he asks extremely confused.

Instead of getting an explanation, Hercules simply laughed and slapped him on the back. “It’s late at night, and we’re all drunk with alcohol and memes… Poor Hamilton can’t even remember his purpose.”

Hamilton had to fight back tears. He’s still an outcast in this group of outcasts. Not to mention, Mulligan hit him kind of hard. Though he still recognized the action as friendly, Hercules was a big man.Now that he thinks of it, he’s the shortest one in the whole group.

“Mes amis, we should get going,” said Lafayette. “If we do not want to give all of our countries massive headaches, we should all get some rest.”

Laurens pouted as he set his glass down on the bar. “The life of a country holder is so unfair.”

“Mon petit lion, do you have a place to stay for the night?” Lafayette asks. “If not you could crash with us. The hotel room is very big.” 

Gratefully Hamilton accepted the offer, saying, “Thanks I didn’t think about that before.” Then, suddenly remembering Laurens's cute pout and freckles, the thought of sleeping in the same room as him made Hamilton's cheeks burn bright red.

“Tu es plus rouge qu’un tomate, Alexander,” Lafayette teases him. “What is the matter?”

“Hmm? All I understood from that was ‘tomato,’” lied Hamilton, focusing on the ground. He pretends to not understand so he doesn’t have to answer the question.

“Really Hammy what’s going on?” Laurens chimed in.

The nickname hit Alex like a bullet. 

If only he knew.

“Ah, just a bit too drunk tonight,” said Hamiton slowly.

“The hotel’s just a couples blocks away. You can rest when we get there,” said Hercules.

“Alright,” mumbled Hamilton quietly. 

They all stood up and Hamilton winced as the room tilted.

After what seems like forever the quartet reaches the hotel. Lafayette checked them in which strained Alexander’s naturally thin patience because his english is broken.

Once they make it to room 420 they collapsed to the ground.

“Ah it seems we only have two beds,” Lafayette says. “We will have to share.”

Hamilton did not sign up for this. “I am willing to sleep on the ground,” he quickly said.

“Don’t be like that Hammy, we can share a bed,” Laurens suggested.

“Oui, Hercules and I will share the other one then,” said Lafayette.

Hamilton was just about to interrupt when Laurens took him by the hand and led them both to the bed.

A chorus of goodnights were shared before they all fell into a peaceful slumber.

It was somewhere around 3am when Alex stirred from a nightmare. It was one he had had once before, where he was screaming to a lecture hall but no words came out. No one could hear him, no one cared what he had to say.  
He let out a slight whimper at the thought of it.

“Hammy it’s still dark outside, what’s going on,” Laurens said as he sat up in the bed. His eyes were glossed with concern for the smaller boy.

“Sleeping is a process,” snapped Hamilton, turning over on his side. He hadn’t meant to be so rude, but he was tired and flustered.

Laurens leaned back down into the bed, wrapping his body around Hamilton’s. It felt nice.

“Laurens, can I tell you a secret?” Hamilton asked quietly  
.  
“M’kay,” muttered Laurens. 

“I honestly don’t know what a country holder is,” Hamilton admits.

Laurens mouth forms into a small o shape.

“You’re from St. Nevisu, right? Maybe they don’t teach you there. Some places like to keep country holding a secret so no one gets overwhelmed.”

“But the place was unaffected from my actions. St. Nevisu would cease to exist with all the dank memes I know and use,” said Alex.

“I heard a hurricane passed through there a while ago,” recalled Laurens sleepily. His words were starting to slur together.

“Maybe. Can you promise not to tell Hercules or Lafayette about this conversation?” Hamilton asked pleadingly.

“Mon ami, it’s 3am and you’re incapable of whispering,” came a rough voice from the other side of the room. “It’s okay.”

“You can get ~educated~ later lol” 

“Thanks,” Hamilton says as he starts drifting off. “Goodnight guys.”

He got no reply other than sudden snoring from Hercules and a small hiccup of a laugh from Laurens.

Neither Alex nor John let go of each other that night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't mean too put that much lams. -SailorChibiChibi  
> weewoo -parsniffs


	3. Unburrably Burrned By The Schuyler Sisters

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron Burr, apparently a crustable and/or a slice sourdough bread (he isn’t sure, the meme wasn’t very clear), stumbles upon the Schuyler sisters in the town. Of course, being the little crustable that he is, he has to just slide right in and embarrass himself.

Burr was roaming the streets downtown since the day prior he was abandoned by the quartet. Though the streets were nice and the summer was pleasant, he still couldn’t shake his sour mood. What was Hamilton’s issue? Didn’t he know those men were idiots? It’s sad to see the memes convert another one. 

City shops were filled with little trinkets and tag yourself memes. Burr stepped to the side to examine one of the memes.  
“What kind of bread are you? Hmm.”

Sourdough  
-needy  
-actually a vampire probably  
-cries away their problems  
-never feels complete (get it because there are so many holes you cant put any butter on them because there Are SO MANY HOLES THE BUTTER JUST DRIPS THROUGH) 

Burr sighs not wanting to admit to himself that it’s a perfect description of him. Just as he is about to set the meme down, he spots something in the very corner.

Crustable  
-crusty  
-whiny  
-named Aaron Burr  
-complains about not being invited to a business dinner that has nothing to do with him  
-likes minion memes  
-will kill a man  
-insists on “””waiting for it””””  
-did i mention crusty

At this point, Burr stops reading and lets the meme drop back to the table. He doesn’t need this today. He is so #trigerred he doesn’t deserve this abuse. 

Continuing down the boulevard, Burr notices something in the corner of his eye. It was eye crust from all the crying he does at night. Quickly, he wiped it away and started to scout out a good location to go cry again in peace. He will never dare show his face again in the bar where he saw Alexander so he has to look for somewhere new. What a shame, too. The drinks at the old bar were so strong his tears watered them down to the perfect strength. Now where was he going to find such a good drink to cry into?

Aaron tripped on the sidewalk since his tears burred his view. He fell straight onto his face. Slowly rolling over to his back, he whispered to the ground, “You lil shit.”

Suddenly, his tingly tongly senses tingly tongled. Some good ladies were nearby. He shot up to his feet, trying to wipe the tears from his eyes. While in this depressive state he sees three colorfully dressed girls having the time of their lives.

“UH OH” said spaghettio Burr. “Are those Philip Schuyler’s girls?” Burr stretches his neck 10 feet to the right to get a better look.

“Well I’ll be danked!” Burr exclaims. What were they doing down here by the college?

Work work.

“Angelica!”

Work work.

“Eliza!”

“AND PEGGY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

‘Someone sure is triggered,’ Burr thought to himself.

He quickly sized up the ladies. Peggy, Norwayu’s holder, seemed to be pleading something to her sisters. Having an argument? Perfect time for Burr to just sliiiiide in…

“Daddy said to stop looking at dank memes,” Peggy argues.

“Daddy doesn’t need to know,” Angelica says trying to ensure the youngest sister.

“Daddy said we have to be home early today though.”

“This won’t take long, Peggy,” said Eliza, brushing her sister away.boop

Peggy looked back at her very triggeredly.

“Look around, look around the meme revivals happening in New York,” Angelica says.

“New York” the other two sisters harmonize with her.

“Good call, Angelica,” Eliza compliments her.

“Soon enough the meme violence will be all over town,” Peggy points out worriedly. 

“People triggered in the square,” Eliza adds to Peggy’s point.

“That just means we have to enjoy the city even more until the memes take over,” said Angelica. She began walking off towards the lamppost on which to drape herself seductively and scour for memers.

“Angelica, tell me again what we’re searching for?” Eliza asks.

All the memers in town try to convince Eliza that it’s them. Of course, it wasn’t. The Schuyler sisters needed quality memes from quality memers. Maybe the college wasn’t the best place to look for those, actually. The only people that hung out here were the ones with non-dank memes.  
Burr only saw this as an opportunity to step in and show them that memes were silly and he was the highest form of quality.

When Burr got within three feet of the sisters they started to cringe.

“Hello ladies,” Burr begins. “I don’t know what you’re doing down here with expensive clothes, you searching for a memer who can give you the good shit?” 

“Burr you’re real crusty,” Angelica states.

Aaron can’t even say that’s a lie.

“But I see you’ve considered me before,” he quickly says. “I am similar to a trust fund in the sense that you can put your trust into me.” He tries to slide in(not smooth in the slightest)

Angelica sets down her book of memes so she can start to roast him or burrn him.

“I’ve been on tumblr reading shitposts by Thomas Dank and my horoscope in one of those tag yourself memes said that some SJWs say that I’m too dank or that I’m crazy.” 

She pauses for a minute preparing for the real intense parts to come. ‘You want a memeolution, I want a memeolation’, she chanted in her head.

“You want the memes to be free, I want the memes to be dank. So listen to my declaration,”

All the sisters joined in at this point, even Peggy.

“We hold these truths to be self-evident that all memers are created equal!”

“And when I meet Thomas Jefferson,” Angelica starts.

Eliza and Peggy cheer her on.

“I’m a compel him to include female memers in the sequel!”

“Memeales, if you will,” adds Peggy quietly.

“WERK!” they say in perfect unison.

Burr couldn’t believe this. He was being severely roasted about memes. Was he not smooth enough? He suddenly had a vivid flashback to when Alexander had called him “Butt” in the bar that first night. He was #trigerred. He has much to learn if he wants to survive.

“Do you realize how lucky we are to be alive right now?” continues Eliza. “You’ll barely survive the war with your poor meme skills.”  
Angelica and Peggy nod their heads in agreement.

“History is happening here and we just happen to be lucky enough to experience it,” the sisters tell Burr.

Burr tries to slowly retreat as he knows he has lost this battle. Why aren’t there any people who are serious like him nowadays? The dankness in the air was too thick now and everyone was being affected. Burr didn’t consider himself lucky to be alive during this stupid memeolution, but he did know he was fortunate enough to not go insane from the memes.

The sisters don’t seem to notice Aaron’s departure and continue to spout their views on the memes. A crowd of eager college students who probably needed this information to pass their courses gathered around them.

As they finish the girls reintroduce themselves to the excited crowd.

“I’m Angelica! Finlandu’s holder.”

“Then there is me, Eliza! I’m in charge of Swedenu.” 

“AANDDDDDDD PEEEGGGGGYYYYYYYYY! I’m Norwayu’s holder,”

“The Schuyler sisters,” they say together.

“Geez,” huffed Burr, shoving his hands into his trouser pockets. “That’s the last time I try to sidle up next to those girls. Keep the memes dank? Why can’t we just use minion memes?” he whines like the crust he is.

“NOPE,” screamed the universe, and a huge gust of wind swept him up off the streets and into the sky. “Minion memes must die!”

Burr flew into the sun. Off in the distant atmosphere, he could still hear the sisters screaming to the crowd.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just listened to the Schuyler Sisters 146 times on repeat while writing this -parsniffs  
> All I could think of was Burr puns while writing this. -SailorChibi


	4. Японя

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Samuel Seabury and his unrequited love for the king of Britainu had it coming. Hamilton simply helped him along to his swift and painless Death by Roast. What better way to celebrate the death of Burr and Seabury than a good ol’ juice drinking war and some banter about country holding?

Aaron Burr was a butt, but he knew how to survive flying into the Sun. This wasn’t the first time it had happened.

After he could manage to straddle the atmosphere and get himself projected the in the right direction, it’d be smooth sailing back down to Americo. The clouds were fluffy in the sky that day and puffed up all around him as he shot through. A small part of him hoped he’d land on the other side of the United Statesu, far away from Alexander. 

Alas it seems the universe has it out for him and put him on the cloud directly above Alexander. Assuming his role as a crustable he decides just to take a little peek at what he’s doing.

He was shoving his way through a crowd towards Samuel Seabury. Burr (Butt) recognized him from his memes in the paper he was Japanu. Seabury was also Britainu #1 fan. If it was at all possible to be any crustier than Aaron himself, Seabury would come pretty close.

In common Hamilton-style, Alexander hurdled himself onto the podium Seabury was preaching from and began shouting his own beliefs over Samuel’s. Neither of them relented in their talking as they discreetly elbowed each other in the ribs. Further away in the crowd, Mulligan and the rest of Alexander’s friends were egging him on rowdily.

Aaron knew at this moment in time he should just stfu and listen to what they are saying.

“Listen not to the memers who shout dank memes. They have not minion memes at heart,” Sammy was preaching to the audience.

Though Burr could recognize his good taste in minion memes he had to disagree with not letting some memes have free dank.

“The Meme War is coming and there’s no use in running from it,” Hammy shot back. Японя was offended.

“This congress does not speak for me(mes),” Sammywammyshammy retorted.

“Look at all that we’ve lost and all that we’ve had to pay, and you’re still going on about Congress?” 

Samuel crossed his arms and turned away.  
“You’re fighting a winless war,” Seaberry tried to tell Hamilton. 

“I pray the king shows you his mercy,” Samuel says as he thinks of his beautiful king.

“lmao GAAAAAAAAAAAAY!” Mulligan shouts.

“Is he in Jersey?” Hamilton attempted to be cool.

“Wait he is omg, I must go see him at once!!” Samuel said as he ran off to try and find the King.

That was not what he had expected. Burr thinks now is the perfect time to just slide right in.

Hamilton was left standing alone on the podium, staring blankly at the crowd. He obviously was working up his own speech to spew out to the people waiting. This was his time to shine.

“Alexander!” Burr says deciding he should go with the bros route.

“Mr. Butt, fuck,” Alexander replies realizing that only Burr and sir rhyme.

“Ok biatch I thought we were friends,” Aaron is #trigerred.

“You insulted my real friends,” Alexander pointed out, gesturing to the only people in the crowd talking. They were loudly joking about Aaron’s crusty face. “Not to mention, you’re a qualifiable Crustable in the rules of that tag yourself meme we all took.”

“:’(“

“Anyway, the reason I came over here was to ask why would you even try and debate Seabury?” he questions Hamilton.

“You say that like it’s a great challenge. Seabury is a Britanu-loving fuck. Did you see how quickly he ran away when I mentioned King George in Americo?”

“No, that’s why I ask. Why would you waste your time of day on him?” Burr interrogates further.

Alexander put his hands in his pockets and gazed back over to the crowd. “He was spreading misinformation to the people.”

“And you had to take it upon yourself to interrupt his scheduled speech?”

“I can’t just sit around like you Burr!” Alex exclaims. “There are people who need to know what’s up and I can’t let them be fooled by that dumb shit Seabury.”

“There are also people that share his viewpoints, and believe it or not Alexander, they may be right,” snarled Burr.

“Get the fuck out of here Burr,” Hamilton demands because if he has to bear his crust any longer he will implode. He faced the audience and began shouting about taxes like the adult he is.

“Not today, Alexander,” said Burr darkly as he grabbed Hamilton by the collar of his jacket and began dragging him off the stage. (RAPEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE) oooooh his crusty ass is going to jail todaaaay  
Burr was assassanated.

Later that day

“Lol you totally rekt Seabury today,” said Mulligan as he and the boys were sitting at the juice table in their hotel room.  
“He is how you say roasted,” added Lafayette.

Laurens raised his hand to high five Hamilton. They both missed and now they’re awkwardly staring at each other wondering what to do next.

“Better call the hospital,” joked Mulligan. “They just killed each other.”

They all laughed, Hamilton a little weakly, and picked up their cups of juice (not tea, because everyone was a stubborn little ho, though Hamilton had to admit he really missed tea) and toasted to Aaron Burr’s death.

“Have you ever wondered how Burr keeps coming back even though he dies every chapter?” Mulligan says breaking the fourth wall as he stares directly at you (yes you the reader. hiiiiiiii)

Lafayette shook his head sadly. “The authors just can’t bring themselves to really kill him. They have too much fun picking on him.”

“It’s a game to them. Every chapter they think of new ways to kill him off,” Laurens remarks with a hint of gloom in his voice.

“Though the best part is when they get to come up with stupid ways for him to survive,” said Mulligan. “And he manages to stay alive by very stupid circumstances.”  
“Well this story definitely needs more comic relief,” Hamilton notes sarcastically. “The Meme War, despite being called the Meme War, is no laughing matter at all.”

“Anyway,” says Laurens trying to change the topic. “Do you know what country you hold yet Hammy?”

“Actually, I have prepared a list of questions for you all,” Hamilton replied, sitting up straighter.

Everyone groaned as Alexander pulled out his mental list and began shooting the questions off.  
“Putain,” whispers Lafayette.

“What if I don’t hold a country?” asked Hamilton.

“Everyone does,” answered Laurens.

“Are you sure about that?” mumbled Mulligan.

“Tu es l’idiot du village,” Lafayette says in French to annoy them all.

Hamilton stopped mid-question and turned to Lafayette. “Doesn't everyone have a country?”

“Yes,” said Laurens.

“No,” snapped Mulligan. “There are billions of people on this earth and only a bit over a hundred countries.”

“Then why have I met so many country holders?” pouted Laurens. “Why are they all in the Unitedu Statesu?”

“Didn’t you say earlier this was, and I quote, ‘the place to be’?” asked Lafayette.

“Shut up, French fry.”

Mulligan interrupts the banter. “To answer your question, no, Hamilton not everyone is a country holder. But the odds are since you found us all together, you are one.”

“Wait,” said Hamilton. “Even if this is ‘the place to be’, why aren’t the country holders in their country?”

“Simple; our countries are not in nearly as much danger as Americo is,” states Lafayette. “The interesting thing is no one knows who Americo’s country holder is.”

“Does that mean I might be Americo’s country holder?” asked Hamilton.

“You could, though I doubt it,” said Mulligan. Hamilton made an offended sound similar to a possum. 

“Don’t be so upset, kid,” said Laurens. “Americo’s in a lot of trouble right now, and if you were the country holder, being here while all this danger’s around would make your life hell.”

“Oh,” replies Hamilton. “Also you’re only about a year older than me Laurens.”

“But you’re only 3 feet tall,” retorts Laurens.

“And I am 3 entire feet of sass ready to kick your ass!” Hamilton exclaims. It makes him want to buy one of those ‘i’m fun sized’ shirts. He was short, but he could still stab someone (though it’d only be in the abdomen.)

“If you don’t think I’m Americo, how do I find out what country I might be?” Hamilton questions the group.

“Well, your mental state can affect the country’s well being,” said Lafayette.

“So, like, my country is fucked,” Hamilton realizes.

“Aren’t we all?” said Mulligan airily.

“But the news right now only covers stories on the war,” said Hamilton.  
“So it will be hard to know unless something really bad happens.”

“Hammy, my man, don’t worry about it right now,” Laurens says in a way too relaxed manner for the topic. “We have the war to worry about now.”

Hamilton stared at Laurens for a moment, then looked down into his cup of juice. “Did you guys put some dank memes in here?”

“Snitches get stitches,” Lafayette tells Hamilton.

“I was just asking…” mumbled Alexander. He turned back to Laurens. “What if I die? What will happen to my country, if I even have one? Not to be egotistical or anything, but my life is pretty important right now!”

“Something extreme will happen,” says Hercules in a serious tone. “But the country will be reincarnated into another newborn baby.”

“At least then we’ll know which country was yours,” joked Lafayette.

“Fight me!” screams Hamilton.

“I would but I don’t know if you can reach my face,” says Lafayette with a smirk. Hamilton kicked his shins under the table.

“Owwy!” exclaims Labaguette.

“Be careful, Hammy,” said Laurens. “Franci will start a war with you. Franci will start a war with anyone.”

Hamilton snickers whilst Lafayette glares at Laurens.

“You know what, *insert french insult here*? Franci hereby declares war on Germanyu!”

“Sure, okay. I accept.”

Lafayette paused for a moment. “You were supposed to say no to this.”

“This war will be determined by whoever can chug the most juice,” suggests Alexander.

“You are on, Germanyu!” cried Lafayette as he swiped up his cup.

“Franci will be easy to beat!”

Lafayette had a really good comeback, he swears, but he was too busy drinking juice to reply. He then had an idea.

There was a bowl of raisins in the middle of the table. He could show them he could chug the most juice while at the same time swallowing raisins whole.

Lafayette grabs just one to begin with and quickly grabs his cup full of cranberry juice.

He can see Mulligan shake his head in disapproval and Hamilton looking like he’s about to witness the best thing ever. Which he will, he’ll show them.  
Being so excited he throws the raisin inside his mouth and succs in juice at full force. That was a bad idea.

Lafayette began to choke on the raisin and juice. None of his friends even attempted to help him, they were all just laughing. In revenge he spit the cranberry juice onto the three of them.

“Lmao I’m the best!” screeches Laurens.

Lafayette still ended up eating that raisin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The attempted murder of Lafayette by the notorious raisin/water combo was in honour of SailorChibiChibi. may they rest in pieces. Also I would have won the juice war if i had been there just sayin i almost drank a whole bottle of mango juice while writing this.  
> -parsniffs  
> Anyway so we were thinking about holding a comments contest? Whoever has the best comment from the previous chapter will get a shout out in the next. -SailorChibiChibi


	5. Dickle Holla (Edited)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Samuel Seabury, disappointed that the King was not in New Jersey as Hamilton had said, nyooms over to Britanu to see his beloved George one more time. Together, through the power of teamwork and plagiarism, they write a letter to send back to Americo. And Seabury practically nuts when he gets to hold the letter George writes, it’s a complicated relationship.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dedicated to the best commenter on Chapter 4, thomasjeffersonsmacaroni, with their comment:
> 
> " My favorite character is the raisin "
> 
> (tbh me too) -parsniffs

Across the seas in Britanu, King George is dealing with the effects of the rebellion. All he wants is to be their supreme overlord of the memes. Is that too much to ask for?

Georgie sighs dramatically. Why was being a king so haaaaaaaaarrrrd. The people just need to accept him as their dictator. He hears a knock on the door. One of his many knights went to answer it.

He turned to stand up, flipping his cape in the process. The door swings open and Seabury is standing there, looking as awful as ever. The door attendant tried to urge him further down the hall towards the king’s throne, but his knees were so weak he didn’t trust himself to move any more without collapsing at the sight of such pure beauty.

“Your Highness,” Samuel greets.

“How the dipstick are you in Englandu?” KG asks.

“Well, it’s kind of a funny story,” Samuel starts. “So back in Americo there’s a midget named Alexander Hamilton. I was telling a crowd about how staying with Britainu would be the best and then he comes and argues against me. THe nerve of those memers! Then he goes on to tell me you were in New Jersey and I was like ‘OMG NO WAY’ and went there as fast as I could. But you weren’t in New Jersey :(((((. So I nyoomed over here.”

“‘Nyoom’? How does one nyoom?”

A few knights snickered silently. Seabury was usually known to make a fool of himself in front of the King.

“Sir, I would go into detail but you need to focus on Americo right now!” Samuel argues.

“What exactly is the issue with Americo? So there’s a guy named Aleeks Hermiton.”

“Alexander Hamilton.”

“Yes, that one bitch. Why is he pertinent at all?”

“He is what you would call an interesting fellow in the sense he can convince people to do anything. I think it would be best if you wrote a letter to Americo,” advises Sammy.

“Of course, right! I am also what you would call an interesting fellow. I can naturally charm anyone. Writing this letter will be a breeze.” He sounded very sure of himself, which made Samuel blush like a schoolgirl. After all, he is Japan’s country holder.

“HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW should I start this letter?” the King inquires y do u insist on using words like these. “I’m feeling very spicy today.”

No one said anything for a moment. Samuel tried to come up with a great starter that would make King George want to hug him and carry (him to bed) the message back to Americo himself, but all he could think about was that the King was feeling “spicy”.

“Why not quote Americo’s memers to start?” Seabury suggests. King George snaps his fingers.

“Ah yes, that’s perfect! Put their own words against them! Genius idea. I really do have some genius ideas sometimes.”

“How about ‘the price of my memes is not a price you’d be willing to pay’?”  
Seabury called across the hall from where he was still standing right in front of the door.

“YAsss. I have such great ideas!” George says giddily. He clapped his hands and called for a pen and paper. A servant came scurrying across the hall past Seabury to hand him his My Little Pony Friendship is Magic limited edition quill and Animal Crossing themed parchment. Samuel almost swooned. The King loved My Little Pony too? He wanted to ask what his favourite pony was, but he didn’t want to interrupt the writing process.

“You cry in your memes which de-minioned when you see me go by. Why so sad? Remember, we had a deal…” The King tapped his quill against his cheek and sighed. “Saying ‘deal’ just doesn’t sound formal enough, does it?”

“Maybe ‘arrangement’?” Samuel says meekly.

“Ah, ‘arrangement’ sounds more kingly! That’s much better. I’ll use that instead,” proclaimed George, eagerly crossing out his words and replacing them.

Samuel stood patiently in the throne room while he watched King George write out the whole letter. Most of the sentences were Samuel’s, but he didn’t mind. If he could help his precious king in any way, that made him satisfied. He has no problem helping in the sidelines.

As King George got further into his letter (Samuel’s letter) he wanted to come up with a catchphrase. “Sammy, what can people remember me by?”

A million things raced through Seabury’s head. The King’s beautiful eyes. His luscious hair and the way his sparkling crown sat atop it. His dick. His charming laugh and the dicks. Suddenly he succed in a sharp breath of air, almost choking on it. I imagine death so much it feels more like a memory. But his imagination ran wild all the time, so sudden thoughts of death didn’t really bother him anymore. In fact, it was kind of a relief to get intrusive thoughts about something other than succing the King’s dikk. He would go ultra kirby on that wood any day.

Yes, the one secret the King didn’t know about him (and he knew most, if he ever read the letters Samuel sent him). The fact that he was actually a kirby. It was a snowy night in Okinawa, Japan when a new Nintendo character was born. Little did the other characters know that he was Japan’s country holder. The power he was granted was when he succed on something he could turn into it. As a Nintendo spokesperson, he had to travel the world in order to advertise the company. 

One day, when he was in London, he met him. King George with all of his glory. He spent an endless amount of time pining after him. Then he found a dead knight’s body behind the castle. The king would never be able to tell the difference since the knights were always in their armor. So he succed. He became a human and got a job in the palace. Sometimes Samuel wonders what happened to the other Nintendo characters. But he’s moved on from those ages now.

“HMMMMMM,” George was screaming to the fabulous hall while Samuel had been having flashbacks of his life. “I WONDEEEERRR WHAAAT MY CATCHPHRASE SHOOOULD BEEEEE????” Samuel understood the bootycall immediately.

“They’ll be back, don’t worry my King,” assured Samuel. Suddenly George stopped his continuous screeches.

“They’ll be back…Yes, they will! You’ll be back. Ha! That’s perfect.” As he ducked his head down to write his new amazing line, he hummed contently to himself. DADADADADAAA DA DA DA DA DAYY A DA DA DA DA DA DA DAYYYYYA DA DA.

Samuel was content now that George was. He smiled brightly. A couple of the knights standing around started laughing and whispering behind cupped hands. Seabury caught a few words like “blushing” and “tomato” but he didn’t really hear very much. The knights were good at having silent conversations behind their king’s back. It seemed the King was none the wiser as he kept humming as he wrote.

“How many times has this weeb visited this year?” one knight said to the guy standing closest to him. All Seabury caught was the word “weeb.” He thought he heard another guy say “somebody sure is a weeaboo.” Across the hall, one pair was talking louder than the rest, and Samuel heard, “Do you think he refers to our Majesty as ‘senpai?’”

Hmm. How did they know that? He has to find a new hiding spot for his diary. It’s too spicy for these knights apparently. When one of the huddles of guards laughed a little too loudly, the King snapped his head up and they all snapped back into place.

“Who did that?” he yelled. “I will kill your friends and family if I hear another interruption! I am writing an important letter to the fuckbois in Americo!”

“Sir just ignore those foolish henchmen,” Seabury said sympathetically, but the King didn’t hear. His eyes had gotten wide and sparkly.

“Oh! How perfect! ‘I will kill your friends and family.’ What a perfect way to end my letter! Because it’s true. That’s exactly what I’ll do. I’ll send a fully armed battalion to remind them that I love them and that they’d better love me back. Teehee!” George giggled. He jotted down the last few lines, then swirled on his curly signature. Whoosh. “Done!”

Samuel smiled back at him. “I knew you could do it, my King!”

“Of course I can, Sam-yoo-ell See-burr-ee,” smiled George. An assistant came over and gathered the letter, folding it neatly and slipping it into an envelope.

“Would you like to press the wax seal yourself, your Majesty?” they asked.

“WEEEEEEE!” screamed the King as he slam dunked the seal on the envelope. Then he turned to Seabury and motioned him closer. Samuel still didn’t move.

“Sammy, I’d like you to be the messenger for this letter. Take extra care!” the King proclaimed.

“O-of course!” squealed Seabury. As soon as the assistant dropped the letter in his hand, he bowed deeply and held it close to his chest. 

“Then, dismissed. Thank you for dropping by for the eleventh time this month.”

“You’ve been counting?” asked Seabury, touched.

“We keep a scoreboard.”

Samuel ran off to the other side of town to an abandoned alleyway as fast as he could. He brought the envelope up to his nose and breathed deeply. He felt as though the energy the King had put into pressing the stamp still coursed through the letter. 

‘One day,’ he thought.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 'twas I who was responsible for all the ships in this chapter. I'm owning up to it. It was too much fun. -parsniffs  
> you get a gold star if you noticed the movie title reference -SailorChibiChibi


	6. GTA WASTED KILLCAM

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Meme War is approaching Hamilton’s life, and Burr’s as well (which is new and recently resurrected, with a fresh cheese dick). General George Washington is in charge and ready to do this shit with a new Right Hand Man. Who will it be?? Alexander Hamilton or Aaron Burr? Vote now on your phones!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We dedicate this chapter to johnlaurensintheplacetobe for "Sam-yoo-ell See-burr-ee's ovaries EXPLODED in this chapter".

Chapter 6: Right Hand Boi

Now Aaron Burr is just as smart as your average fellow when it comes to resurrection. He’s gone through his fair share of them. It takes just a few simple steps to get the job done.

Bathe yourself in minion memes (that’s why people like Hamilton never get resurrected)  
Ultra Succ the cleansing light of the sun  
Eat a crustable.  
blaze it  
you’re good to go

Burr was already on the fourth step, trying to find some good weed to blaze himself back to life when his dick exploded from sheer dank overload. This isn’t an uncommon occurrence when he does this so Aaron pays no mind to it. Once he is back alive he should have a fresh new dick to wave around.

A fresh new dick is the best thing Aaron can hope for right now. Once he got a floppy dick and wasn’t pleased in the slightest. All he wants is to be resurrected in a different part of the country where Alexander won’t find him with a good new dick and a happy life.

Aaron is very salty that he’s had to resurrect himself so many times after meeting Alexander. Before, he only needed to bring himself back a few times a year whenever the universe got sick of his shit. He’s already died more times in a few months than ever before in his whole life. Burr wonders if there’s going to be a day when he can’t resurrect himself anymore.

Finally, he found the perfect bundle of weed to blaze. It was hidden in a wheat farm in the firmament of Crustose. Though there were people out on the farm, no one had seen him sneak in and steal some weed. Everyone was near the edge of the plot, talking to a cow. He thinks he hears the words “wedding” and “staircasefather” as he collects the weed. He wanted to stay for the wedding, but he had to resurrect himself before his body became one with the dead. 

After a SUCCessful blazing session, Aaron was back with the living. It seemed as though he landed in an army campout. Hastily, he ran to the bushes to check out the quality of his new dick. 

‘Could be worse,’ Aaron thinks to himself. ‘Is that a piece of cheese?’

Somewhere in the distance, he thought he heard some sad angsty monologue and tucked his sausage (or cheddar he doesn’t really know) away.

“I WAS SUCH A POOR LITTLE BOI, I KNEW THAT A WAR WAS THE ONLY WAY TO RISE UP,” came muffled, upset screams.

‘o shit’

Aaron only knew one person who could sound that annoying. He silently cried to himself.

“IF THEY TALK ABOUT ME THEY BETTER TELL MY STORY PROPERLY OR ELSE I’M GOING TO SUE THEM! AND I MEAN IF I DIE THAT’S COOL TOO BUT I WON’T BE ABLE TO SUE THEM. I’M BETTER THAN ALL OF Y’ALL THOUGH SO I WON’T DIE.”

Burr rolled his eyes so far back into his head that they fell out his mouth. “Please do die,” he said as he swallowed his eyeballs again. They tasted of his mother’s cooking. Sweet memeories.

He stepped out of the bush and looked around for the annoying boi who wouldn’t stop screaming.

“BUT WAIT I SAID I WAS THE BEST. THAT WAS A LIE. THERE’S ACTUALLY SOMEONE 2% COOLER THAN ME. IKR IT’S HARD TO BELIEVE. HERE HE COMES.”

What Burr found hard to believe was that Hamilton was admitting someone was cooler than him. There were plenty of people better than that dank ho (like Aaron himself, for example) but it’d take a miracle and a magical snow to make Alexander accept that. Only one person could be that much cooler than Hamilton.

“The General…?” AAron questions himself. is this the general? fess up u dirty scum. “never” aaron said and spit in aaron’s face. “say it” said aaron. “you can’t make me” said aaron. “i don’t know the truth, but if even if i did i’d never tell u scoundrel.” aaron smacked his lips and turned away letting the lamp fall over (he was holding a lamp in aaaron’s face did i mention that part) and left the room. he’d never get any information out of aaron. it was a hard time questioning himself. He is the only person who’s sassy walking down the runway right now.

“WE ARE OUT MEMED!” George Washington begins his rant.

“WHAT”

“OUT BOIED!”

“WHAT”

“Are you people deaf?” 

“WHAT”

The General made a crusty face at the people. “okay so leT ME START AGAIN SINCE Y’ALL CAN’T HEAR. AHEM AHEM BITCHeS”

Burr thought this would be the perfect time to slide right out of hiding and make himself known. “I heard you perfectly fine, Sir!” he yelled across the field.

Washington whipped around and squinted off into the distance. “WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?”

“WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?” Aaron called back.

“I ASKED YOU FIRST!” screeched the General.

“I ASKED YOU SECOND!” Aaron retorts.

“WHAT” screamed the people. George turned back to them.

“YOU FUCKIN IDIOTS” he yelled at them. “I WAS SAYING WE’RE OUTNUMBERED AND OUT PLANNED.”

“Your Excellency, sir! I can help with that!” Aaron tried to redeem himself.

Washington barely spared Burr a moment’s glance, only giving him a quick ‘mmmm bitch no’ before completely turning his back to the small speck of a nerd on the horizon.

Meanwhile Hamilshit was brainstorming ideas on how to get noticed by senpai. He had his good buddy ol’ pal, Hercules with him.

“k so like, what if we stab someone? And then we throw them into the ocean to turn the water red. Then George will definitely notice that.”

“BOi, no,” said Hercules. “Maybe try sabotaging the british in the background.”

Hamilton stopped pacing the open field and pouted. “The British are crusty. I don’t want to get near them.”

“Do you want to be noticed by senpai?” Mulligan snaps back.

“I’m telling you, though. If the sea turns red then we can all go frolicing in it together and we’ll be bathing in the blood of our enemies!” Alexander’s eyes twinkled.

“Please get your fetishes away from me, save that for Laurens,” Hercules says with disgust.

Hamilton sat down on the ground facing away from Mulligan, muttering, “It’s not that kinky. I always thought it would be badass.”

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM

“o shit what was that?” cried Mulligan as he was obliterated by a cannonball. Alex, who had his back towards him, didn’t notice and kept sitting on the ground with his arms crossed. ‘Why can’t anything interesting happen now’ he thought.

“GuYS LoOOOK OUT” someone screamed on the other side of the field. Fwoooooosh pew pew pew boom whioooushhh nya nyasabam bam pow nico nico niiiiiiii.

“O shit” Hamilton muttered as he hopped up on his unicycle. “I just heard the natural mating call of the Weeaboo. I must go catch it immediately.”

Alex trikles away to the spot where he can hear the japanese phrases the loudest.

He nyooms on in there, ready to put on a show. Alex cues the music.

“WEE OO WEE OO the police are here!” screamed Alex as he approached the scene. Everyone stopped and threw their hands up because the police are law. “Nyoom nyoom police police here to arrest you!”

“I’ll let you guys off free today if I could just borrow those cannons over there,” he points to the pepelicious cannons.

The British quickly pick up the cannons and deposit them into Alexander’s, saying, “I’m not going to Americo’s jails toDAY, they’re so crusty.”

Ahahaha. “I’m all dressed up and nakey, I see what’s mine and takey,” Hamilton chanted as he tucked the pepe pepper spray he keeps on hand for when he pretends to be a police back into his pocket.

Alexander brings the cannons back in godspeed. He carefully deposits them in front of the General’s tent.

“Hmm now where is Mulligan that boi I bet he’s so proud of me I actually approached the British,” said Hamilton. He looked around the fields but Hercules was nowhere to be seen.

He then sees a body with a huge hole in the middle in the open field. ‘Isn’t that where we were sitting? Nah that can’t be him tho because if he had been hit by a bomb he would have been pushed AWaY because PHYSICS n shit are REAL’. He didn’t ever go to school though back in St. Nevisu so this was all just a guess.

Aaron Burr had been watching the situation unfold. How could this boi be so stupid? He decides now is the time to shimmy up next to him.

“Hey, Alexander, my main man, my absolute bro, my best friend, the greatest, th—”

Alexander turned around and cringed. “Um?? Bitch?”

Burr laughed as though there were anything funny. “You probably forgot me. Sometimes when I spend too long with the dead everyone forgets that I was ever alive. My name is Aar—”

“A A Ron Butt, I know. Unfortunately I wasn’t apart of those lucky people that got to forget your crusty face while you were dead. Remember you were about to rape me the other day? That scarred me for life.”

Burr had to hold back tears. He was triggered; Alex called him “Butt” again. “I wasn’t going to rape you, you’re too much of a ho for my taste.”

Hamilton was on the brink of crying as well. Everyone was just gettin real emo today. This crustable wasn’t even attracted to him.

“Hey, hey don’t cry little ham,” he coaxes Alex. Hamilton yawned extra hard until the tears started pouring out just to spite him. Oh he had a sniffle too.

Suddenly, the tent flap flew open and the General poked his head outside. “Oh, it’s you again,” he groaned when Burr stepped around the cannon into view. “What do you want?”

Aaron pushed his way into the tent and sat down criss cross applesauce on the ground. He had manners. George hesitantly made his way over to the desk in the tent that took up at least two-thirds of the available room.

“What the hell do you want from me?” Washington asks.

“Well, first of all, I don’t know if you ever heard my name from across the field but I’m Aaron Burr, sir. I worked with a guy from Canado who was…” Burr coughed, “better than you.”

That was his greatest accomplishment ever, working with someone outside of Americo. It made him feel cultured and cool. He was spicy like that.

George said nothing and stared out blankly from behind the desk. Aaron was about to continue when Hamilton barged in.

“Hey there senpai, shit, daddy—General!” Alex stuttered. “Sorry it took so long for me to come. I was, ah… I couldn’t find my way around the cannon.”

“I’ve heard you stole them from the British, my boy.” Hamilton was starting to blush. “People ‘round here have been trying to hire you, am I right?” George asked.

Hamilton glanced quickly down at Burr. “Uh, yeah. How much are you willing to pay…?”

“Anything for you,” he splashes his tongue around his face.

“Uhhhhhhhh hello?” says Aaron breaking the mood.

“Yes, of course, Burr get the fuck out,” Washington commands Burr. “Oh and when you do don’t forget CLOSING THE GODDAMN DOOR.”

Burr runs out of the room saltier than ever. Hamilton was glad to see him go. He preferred to do his business with as few witnesses as possible.

“Anyways, back to business,” said Washington. “I have a special job for you.”

Alexander tried not to grimace (i s2g if you change this to cringe). “How kinky is it? Because if we’re talking, like, shit you wouldn’t want Lucifer at the gates of Hell to know about, I’m going to have to charge extra.”

“Daddy won’t mind,” Washington says, teasing Alexander’s earlier mistake.

“But I would like for you to work as my secretary and right hand man for now,” Washington proposes. “I heard you turned down my dudes Nath Green and Henry Knox tho so you seem to be pretty elusive.”

Hamilton shot the general a little ;)) winky face. “Yeah, I play hard to get sometimes. Secretary…? That seems like a pretty basic job.”

That’s when the people at the base sneak up to the outside of the tent and start whispering, “I am not throwing away my shot.”

“Hamilton, why are you upset?” George leaned forward on his desk, putting his head in his hands.

“...I’m not?”

Distantly, music started playing. “WHEN THEY ASK YOU HOW YOU ARE AND YOU JUST HAVE TO SAY THAT YOU’RE FINE BUT YOU’RE NOT FINE”

Hamilton punched the side of the tent and the music stopped. He plastered a big smile on his face to hide his embarrassment. 

“You heard nothing,” Hamilton tells the General.

“Uh… Well, anyway. You want to die, Alexander, right?” said Washington, quickly changing the subject.

“YEs sirree, who the fuck doesn’t”

“BOi dying is easy, living is harder,” Washingmachine tells Hamilton.

Alex flares his nostrils. “I don’t caaaaaaare! Why did you tell me that??”

“Aiite so let me tell you the truth, son, the Congress is full of shits that didn’t give me the jack-shit shit to fight shit,” sighs the General like he’s gossiping with Hamilton at a sleepover. “ThEy are SO RUUuUDE!”

“LET ME FIGHT THEM,” Hamilton demands. “I can read, I can write, and I have three friends.” Maybe two, he still didn’t know where Mulligan went flying off to. Meh.

“Ok, let me just introduce you to the army now,” Washington says.

They walk outside of the tent. Aaron Burr ran to the nearest bush, he definitely wasn’t eavesdropping.

Washington throws Hamilton onto the stage that was conveniently placed in the middle of the open field. The people that had been chanting around the tent flocked to him and looked eager to listen to his rant.

“Y’all, this is my right hand boi, Hamilton!” Washington enthusiastically tells the crowd.

Aaron was crying in the corner. This was unacceptable! He was supposed to be the one to help the General. 

Burr started to weeb run towards the stage, going faster than sanic on heelies. The Naruto run makes you go 3x faster, confirmed by actual science. He had seen his fair share of Naruto. Just as he was about to jump he was 360 GTA WASTED no-scoped by a cannon.

“BOOOM!”

The universe had done its job once again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Kanye West is the Kanye Best." -parsniffs  
> "Aaron Burr will forever be crusty." - SailorChibiChibi  
> We apologize to any and all Jacks we offended by saying “jack-shit


	7. A Winter's Balls

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hamilton is now a certified Kool Kid and he's revving to become the Koolest Possible. What does he need to acheive such a dank status? A date. Luckily, there's a convenient ball that GWash is hosting and Alex knows exactly who to take.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is dedicated to Arieava for "promise me a place in your house of meme-ories aka i saw those p!atd references in there nice"
> 
> Ayyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

Alexander was a pretty swiggty swag guy. His popularity level had risen since he had captured three (maybe two he hasn’t seen Mulligan in a while) friends. In order for Alex to rise to the top though he had to get a date.

Being the awkward meme he is, he had never been on a date before. Those days are long gone now, he’s now a certified kool kid. He got it approved at the city hall and everything. The ceremony had been beautiful, maybe mainly in part because Burr hadn't resurrected himself in time to crash it. If only he could have afforded the kool kool kid package, but he was a poor boi who had blown all his money on Kool-Aid packets. 

He will probably end up having to drink Kool-Aid for the rest of his life. His only stable income now is to sell the illegal tablets in the street. But one day, he knew the Kool-Aid Police might catch him, and his Pepe pepper spray won't be able to help him. 

Hamilton’s mind wandered back to the issue at hand. Him being single and too ready to mingle. He had tried to use of of those websites like MemersMingle.com but no one ever DM’d him. He tried to lie to himself with all of these fruitless labors. He had somemeone close who he really wanted to meme with.

At that exact second the lodge door burst open.

“Ding dong, Hamilton! Oh, oops. Did I break your door? Lmao my bad,” said someone who did not sound sorry in the slightest. 

He 360 turned his head to see Laurens with a shit eating grin at the door. 

“Bitch,” Hamilton said with an emphasized click of the tongue.

Laurens didn't seem to hear as he strode into the room and smacked Hamilton on the back of his head. “So anyway my bro, my pal, my friendo, my Abroham Lincoln, my Ulysses S. Grantitos, my brony. How's it hanging?”

Hamilton sighed and sat next to Laurens on the couch. “Did you know all the important people to Washington have to attend a ball this week?”

“The ruck? No man where'd you hear about this??” Laurens tried to hide how offended he was. Hamilton suppressed a smile at how cute Laurens was when he was mad. It seemed as though his freckles were more prominent when he pouted his cheeks.

“Daddy- I MEAN Washington told me about it yesterday,” Hamilton tried to play off his mistake. Now is the time to put his certificate to work. With this elusive prize of becoming swag, he was also now an iota smoother. “We were chatting it up while discussing positions ERRRRM where the fuck Mulligan might have gone.”

Laurens was amused by all of this. “Hmmm, your daddy was giving you positions?”

Hamilton couldn't believe it. Had his Baby Ass-Smooth chapstick not worked? He is going to have to go demand a refund.

Hamilton flipped around for a second to trace his index finger down his face.

“J-Oh No-than I think you misheard me,” Hamilton puckered his lips to try and get some use out of the product.

“Wtf my full first name is John,” Laurens said while subtly observing Hamilton’s baby ass lips.

“I'm sure it is, Jonathan. Anyway,” Hamilton says changing the subject. “Since you didn’t know about the ball you probably don’t have a date……..”

“Idk, am I even invited?” Laurens tossed his head to the side dramatically and stared out the window. The camera zoomed in on the crystal tear that rolled down his freckled cheeks. Yes, cheeks, plural apparently, one tear rolled down both at once. It rolled down his Alpha Cheek, the cheek in between two cheeks. We all have it. Go find it. It was artistic af. 

“You do know you have the same rank as me right?” Hamilton teasingly asked.

“Of course I do! I just wanted to see if you remembered. Baka!” Laurens replied while swishing his hair back.

“Oh, you're starting to sound like Seabury,” groaned Hamilton. “The yaponya nerd I roasted into the oblivion the other day.”

“Do you..really think so?” Laurens asked on the brink of tears. His watergates couldn’t hold up much longer. How could such a short man cause him this much pain?

“Yeah man. Did you hear about his visit to Englandu? All the royal knights were dying lmao that boi is so cringey,” continued Hamilton, obviously unaware that he was hurting Laurens. 

“You think I’m cringey?” Laurens said, managing to not stutter. The word cringey is hard to pronounce.

Wait, no. Oops. Hamilton took the chapstick out of his pocket and scowled at it before untwisting it all the way and ultra succing the entire tube. 

“Yo wait my lips are chapped too—” said Laurens, but Hamilton had already used all the chapstick.   
“You could use some from my lips if you want. I mean it’s totally up to you,” Hamilton was glad, it seemed he was super smoothyio now. Maybe the entire stick was the necessary portion to activate the smooth. This was such a rip off he payed 5 pepes for it.

“Uhhh...sure?” Laurens said trying not to sound too enthusiastic. He was about to kiss this boi for real. Not just in his oddly kinky candyland dreams.

Hamilton wasn’t sure if he had heard him correctly. This had to be the spiciest moment of his life so far. Does he lean in first? Or does John?

John had decided to take initiative and move Hamilton under him. It only made sense because he was taller than Alex.

Laurens and Hamilton both slowly leaned into each other. They both had the same fiery thoughts rushing through their minds as they slowly inched together.

Finally their lips collided in unison. It was just as Laurens had imagined Alex’s lips tasting like DOTS™ he could still taste it through the baby ass. They kissed over and over making sure to cover Laurens’s lips in the chapstick. To Hamilton, John tasted like green tea. It reminded him of Pepe making him want to kiss John all the more.

They had to stop for a minute to catch their breath. Sweat trickled down both of their foreheads.

“You know since I ate the whole thing, I think there is still a bit left in my mouth if you want?” Hamilton offered.  
Laurens didn’t give a reply, he dived straight in. After successfully getting the rest of the chapstick out of Alex’s mouth, he pulled away and sat down again on the couch. Alex followed suite.

Outside the lodge window, someone whistled. “Hoo hoo, Hamilton!” It was Martha Washington. “Getting spicy today, are we?”

“Leave Martha,” said Laurens through Hamilton’s face idk whatever the fuck I can't write smut

“I will put down my book right now and join the lemon party,” said Martha breaking through the window and barrel rolling to the sofa. 

“We're not that old…” muttered Hamilton, offended. “It's not considered a lemon party.”

“Not yet, it isn't. You know, Ham Man, you remind me of the feral tomcat I take care of. He doesn't yet have a name… I think I'm going to name him Ham Mantin.”

“Please don't.”

“Please yes,” comes John.

“DO I HEAR ALEXANDER HAMILTON GETTING EMBARRASSED”  
comes a voice from the other side of the room

It was none other than Aaron Butt. He was so pleased in hearing Alexander be embarrassed that he didn’t even need to perform the ritual. Alexander suffering gave Burr life. 

“Leave Mr. Butt this is my property!” demands Alexander. 

“You know the ball starts right now lmao,” replies Burr. “So if you want a ride you guys, you best not be bitching.”

“Burr, they invited you?” asked Laurens sounding genuinely confused. “I thought they didn’t allow minion memers? Whoever was in charge of handing out invitations was probably fired.”

Aaron started shaking, a trigger montage was commencing. He comes all the way from the dead to give these boys a ride and this is how they treat him?! Salt started to fly everywhere. Luckily Alex and John’s lips were protected by all the chapstick. 

“Mrs. Washington, do you need a lift?” asked Aaron after calming down. She hadn’t triggered him yet. 

“Who might you be, George has never mentioned you before?” Martha commented.

THis was the final straw for Burr. First these two ungrateful bois and now the General doesn’t even mention him after all the effort he’s put into being noticed. He storms out of the hole in the wall Laurens had made, leaving the lemon party behind. He'd go to the ball by himself, and gave zero fucks as to how and if Hamilton would make it at all. 

“Aiite well so anyway,” continued Laurens after a moment of silent staring at Burr’s butt as he waddled away at impressive speeds. 

“You two will come to the ball, I hope?” said Martha, turning back to the boys who were still frozen in their spicy position on the couch. Frozen Hot Sauce. (please go look that song up it is so chill)

“Uh… yeah, sure,” replied Hamilton as he slid out underneath Laurens and straightened his shirt. “But the Burrito said it was starting right now. Will we make it in time?”

Martha considered the two men for a moment, then motioned them to follow her outside. She backflipped out the broken window, but Laurens and Hamilton, cautious of the broken glass, decided to exit using the much larger and more convenient hole where the door had been. 

“Surprise my bitches, I'm Mary Poppin’ us to the party.” Martha flicked open a miniature umbrella and offered her free arm to Hamilton. They linked arms, then she turned to Laurens. 

“This might be awkward, but I only have one free arm, so if you both want to make it in time John will have to hold onto your dick, Alexander.” 

Their dicks phased through their pants and wound together, not without awkwardly missing the first time. It was a sentimental moment.

Martha then has them traveling at Sanic speed. Alex could have sworn he saw Leafo on his way there.   
“Well looks like we have arrived!” chirps Martha. “Now you boys go have some fun if you know what I mean, there’s an abandoned closet on the second floor.”

Martha nyooms off into the ballroom, probably to help meme up her husband. This left Alex and John alone in an awkward silence.

“We should probably untangle our Dickson before we enter,” suggests Laurens. “We don’t want anyone thinking we’re not str8 m8’s.”

“Obviously we are the str8st m8s, m8. Look at how bendy our dicks are!”

“We should consider entering our dicks in the Olympics for gymnastics!”

Burr luckily came upon Laurens and Hamilton after they had untangled their dicks.

“It seems you gentlemen found an alternative memes of transportation,” said Burr trying to be dapper.

“Yeah it was dank, Martha whipped open her umbrella and got us zooming through the sky. Burr, I think I saw the firmament of Crustose you mentioned earlier!” exclaimed Hamilton. He was very careful to leave out the dick entanglement. 

“Tis very fortunate of you,” Burr said. “Alexander, could we please have a private chat elsewhere?”

Laurens shut his eyes and cupped his hands over his ears. “JUST PRETEND I'M NOT HERE,” he shouted. 

Burr couldn’t take this shit anymore. He just picked up Alexander and ran towards the other side of the ballroom hall. Laurens, still standing alone by himself in the corridor with his hands over his ears and his eyes closed, didn't even notice.

Burr thrust Hammy onto the ground.

“Hammy, my main man, do you know why I brought you here?” Burr asks, trying to be kool even though he didn’t have a certificate.

“TO RAPE M—!!!!!” Hamilton began to say before Burr covered his mouth.

“I s2g Alexander, I am never going to try and rape you!” Aaron whisper shouted.

Alex threw Burr’s rough hand off and rolled towards the ballroom. “RAAAAAAAAPE!” he wailed. The assassins readied their snipers again but Aaron Burr turned around and stared them straight in the ass, killing them instantly with his ugly face. 

“Anywhosiedoodle, Alexander,” Aaron said casually as if nothing had happened. “I feel as if we are both equally capable of being reliable with the ladies, don’t you agree?”

“HOLLA” cried every man in the hall. Holla… Hall… “Halla…”

“There are so many to deflower!” said Burr as he started ultra succing the women in the room.

Somebody headbanged through the wall. “The lyrics are actually ‘devour’,” they said with the tartest of faces. Alexander stood up and brushed himself off to join the hollering, pushing their face back through the wall as he passed. 

“No, it's not.”

Burr was leaning against one of the food tables, leading a group of men in the shouting of women. It was a rare sight to see Burr lead anything, even if it was just a gross gathering of gross middle-aged men.

“IT’S DEFLOWER!!!” screamed a triggered Burr.

The new assassinators arrived. They hate having to do this job it’s sooooo boring. They interchange turns with the universe on who has to free the Earth of the burrden. Today the assassins lost the coin toss, so they were in charge of making sure Burr would end up burried should he get too unburrable the whole day. They're working on some new weapons to try and kill him permanently but minion members are so incredibly persistent.

They all took careless shots at Burr, but managed to assassinate him.  
He’s a pain in the burr but the deed was done. Aaron was dead for the day. One sniper let their gun fall to their side and turned to their partner. 

“Look at all those disgusting men Burr was conburrsing with. I bet he conburrted them to using minion memes. Should we take them out too?”

“Too much work,” sniper #69 said.

They just decided to twerk to some classical music.

Alexander Hamilton, the guy the universe had specifically ordered never to kill, charger up to the front of the DJ Booty and requested some Kanye West. 

The universe was in harmony with Kanye West, because he is the Kanye Best.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Kanye is the Kanbae. Also return of the Burr puns." -parsniffs
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=maK7AgGm0Xw&index=1&list=PLPr3rPYjb1MVle97NS6QFOAa_GX6c7al6  
> "You can thank me later." -SailorChibiChibi


	8. Very Spiritual Bible Verses

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron Butt has been succesfully assassinated so we turn our attention to the Schuyler sisters. Eliza calls dibs on the main memer first and Angelica gets salty. After discussing scooters and Schuylers, Alex and Eliza get married only to be caught in the middle of a natural disaster.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the lemon party was a misunderstanding -_- I didn't know you meant there was a lemon party in the book lmao" -SpicyBOi

Away from the Burr nonsense, in a part of the high society where they eat lunchables every day, the Schuyler sisters were fuckin it up as usual.

 

Angelica was showing Peggy how to eat ass, like every older sibling should.

 

“Are you ready for your next lesson about tossing salad?” asked Angelica.

 

“I wonder if anyone would be willing to wear a ladybug costume for me……..” Peggy pondered.

 

“Is this a new fetish? Do you want to eat a ladybug’s ass?” Angelica cringed. “Is this what you think about whenever you go outside? That’s it I’m talking to our father and you’re getting exiled to the basement forever.”

 

“Don’t make me bring up the McChicken, Angelica,” Peggy threatened. “I haven’t slept since I heard you that day.”

 

Across the room Ceviche the bitch Eliza sat next to in English class for half a quarter started to play a video. It was a recording of whatever the fuck probably Angelica. Peggy had only ever heard rumours about the McChicken incident, but it still scarred her. She waved at Ceviche to turn it off before her childhood innocence was gone forever.

 

Angelica decides now is the best time to get her ass over to the other side of the ballroom. She got a running start and then slid on her stomach like a penguin across the hall.

 

Eliza sighed, having known for years that neither of her sisters were normal. Her eyes casually followed Angelica as she penguin slid across the ballroom. Angelica got up like nothing ever happened and started to meme with a man with a ponytail.

 

“Yo yo yo my bro did you see me Antartico-ing it up just now?” Angelica asked, bodyslamming the dude.

 

“I have never seen anyone do it with such precision,” commented the man. “That’s the most intense move any memer can master!”

 

Eliza strained to hear what Angelica had said next that made the man laugh like a cheeto puff, happiness and light spreading out from him just like what happens when you eat cheeto puffs with a limited edition Mountain Dew.

 

Eliza felt started to feel something growing inside of her. It felt like her heart was going to burst in joy. Angelica laughed with the man, then motioned briefly over to Eliza standing in the corner like an antisocial hobo. When their eyes met, a common hip pop-culture song came to her mind.

 

“Are you ready?”

 

OOOOOOOOOH I KNOW YOU SEE ME STANDING HERE screamed Eliza in her head. Outloud, she yelled, “DO I LOOK GOOD MY DEAR?? DO I LOOK GOOD TODAY?!!!!!!”

 

Eliza promptly stopped singing the Zoey 101 theme, also known as the current Americo national anthem, because she didn’t want to be copyright claimed. She had to think of something original.

 

“Ooooooooooooooooooh,” she continued in a slightly different tune. “I am, um. I am another kind of memer, would you like to see my universe?”

 

This was a shit song, but the ponytail man seemed charmed. He seemed to be having internal conflict over which sister was memier. Angelica noticed and started to drag the m8 across the room.

 

“I’m about to change your life,” Angelica told him.

 

“That’s cool, my life sucked ass anyway.”

 

Peggy caught this and her ears perked up. “DID I HEAR SOMETHING ABOUT ASS-SUCKING? Is there a ladybug nearby?!?!”

 

Peggy nyoomed out to the garden, the natural habitat of her victims. As the whoosh of wind met Hamilton’s ears, he turned his head and caught the slightest last sight of Peggy.

 

“Who’s that one? She seemed pretty spicy.” He gave a thought to being interested in her. 

 

“That’s the local garbage trashman. Don’t talk to her. She will toss your ass.” She looked back a little to see Hamilton’s face change from curiosity to disgust. Alexander had already gotten his ass tossed off an island, he didn’t want it to happen again.

 

He turned his attention back to whom Angelica was leading him to. It was the singer of the best song ever. He appreciates the country’s national anthem and the original.

 

As soon as they met, Eliza pulled her sister to the side and whispered in her ear, “Lmao dibs.”

 

Angelica pouted but did not dispute for she knew the laws of this land and the social bearing of dibs.

 

“Elizabeth Schuyler, it’s a pleasure to meet you,” Eliza said trying to be as classy as possible.

 

“Schuyler?” the young memer questioned. “There sure are a lot of Schuylers at this party. I didn’t know it was such a common last name.”

 

“My sister, you fucktard,” Angelica deadpanned to him. Angelica, who no longer needed to charm Alexander, could revert back to her old sASSy self.

 

“ALEXANDER HAMILTON!” Alex shouts to his new woman of interest. “MY NAME IS ALEXANDER HAMILTON. AND THERE’S A—”

 

“I’m standing right in front of you, lil bitch,” Eliza pointed out. In a desperate attempt to win him back she says, “Thank you for all your service.”

 

“War is lit,” replied Alexander airily. “And apparently so are you, my dude.”

 

Eliza swooned. He was such an eloquent man.

 

“I’ll leave you shits to it!” Angelica said as she went to rescue the ladybugs from Peggy. As she slid past her sister, she whispered, “Haha you got this, playah.” It was the nicest thing Angelica had ever said to Eliza.

 

The ball ended very abruptly. They kicked everyone out the window. Hamilton was upset to be so quickly defenestrated. He was about to get very defensestrated when he saw Eliza land on the ground next to him. He pulled out a piece of paper and wrote his mailing address onto it, then crumpled it up into a ball and threw it at Eliza. It hit the back of her head.

 

“Bitch,” she muttered.

 

“Write me ;)” said Alexander as he Mary Poppin’ ed his way to the motel.

 

Because Hamilton was still new to the Mary Poppins mode of transportation it took him an entire week to get home. He soared the skies the entire time, trying to find his way home. When he finally landed back at his lodge, his mailbox had the little red stick pokling up.

 

“lol my mailbox has an erection,” said Hamilton being the mature motherfucker he is. New fetish: fuck your mailbox. Still better than the McChicken.

 

He opens the mailbox to see a pepe themed envelope. This must be important. He too lazy to fetch a letter opener, so he uses his crusty fingernails. Alex ripped the top of the letter open, and glitter exploded everywhere. This bitch glitterbombed him.

 

Through the sparkles and sequins, Hamilton managed to read the beautiful penmanship that was Elizabeth (thats her real name right) Schuyler’s.

 

The letter contained some spicy information. Alex’s real focus now was to get Eliza back for glitter bombing him. He has to up her game.

 

He took out a stationary kit and began writing down random spicy bullshit to match Eliza’s. He didn’t really care what the letter said. It was all about the glitter that would be with it.

 

“So I heard Peggy likes to fuck ladybugs. What do you like to fuck?” he wrote down without giving it a second thought. He hopes Eliza doesn’t mind his casual Daddy kink. “Btw, how would you feel about me calling you Daddy in bed?”

 

He filled seven entire pages with this bullshit. When he came to the envelope, he copied Eliza’s outgoing address.

 

“To… Elizabeth…” Hamilton glanced back at her letter. “Elizabeth Scooter…” That didn’t sound right. He flicked a speck of glitter out of the way. “Elizabeth Schuyler. Of course. My one true love.”

 

Maybe he could let Burr be right just this once. He was reliable with the ladies.

 

This bullshit continued on for about two weeks, when finally Alex decided to pop the question. He was preparing himself to go confront Mr. Scooter, Eliza’s father, and ask for his blessing. He had to embrace the slickest person he knew. Who else had more suave than the man that stole his heart, Jonathan? In true Laurens-fashion, Hamilton kicked open the Schuylers’ front door.

 

“DING DONG MOTHERFUCKERS IT’S ME,” he announced himself. Everyone looked up from their family meal inside the refrigerator. Though freezers had not been invented at this time, the Schuyler family was just so rich that they got one anyway.

 

“EMMEMmemmgrjkfws,” coughed Mr. Schuyler.

 

“Alexander!” Eliza exclaimed. “We can finally meme in person again.”

 

“Y’all I have an important announcement to make,” Aleksander begins. “I have had this floating around my head for about five minutes.”

 

“Will you, Elizabeth Scooter, shit Schuyler, be my daddy, fuck ,wife?” Alex asked in true Hamilton style (like an ass).

 

The father stood up between the two and said, “No. You pronounced Schuyler wrong. You called her Elizabeth School-e-er.” -(2016)

 

“I only have good intentions when I say that, for scooters are beautiful like your daughter,” Alexander failed at life.

 

“Am I as beautiful as a Pickle ScooterawTR HBIKE ITS NOT A BIKEFHJNYER R4” asked Angelica, her eyes sparkling innocently. 

 

“You are of course as beautiful as a Pickle-shaped SCOOTERebbbbbbbbfyw,” replied Hamilton twirling past the father to caress her face.

 

“But Eliza is more beautiful than the scooterrjeklgvn scooter!” Hamilton remarked.

 

He twirled over to Eliza and did a split. (Hachacha) “So……..?”

 

“Only if you can nart your way into my heart,” answered Eliza dreamily.

 

“Of course,” Hamilton said as if he done this a million times. Herackled his knuckles and began the ritual Nart run.

 

The Nart Run (copyright Nart Master 3000, 2016) has only been performed 13.6 and they all ended in failure. Alex knew he was different. He could Succ Eed. (Eed didn’t deserve to be Succed.)

 

Eliza screamed “I DDOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” as Hamilton succesfully performed the ritual right before her eyes.

 

Philip Schuyler had never cried before in his life. Even when he was born he had a stone cold expression. The doctors did not smack him because they saw his crusty face and did not want to touch him. But this beautiful art made him break into tears.

 

“Be true,” he happily told Alex, with tears of joy. “Take care of my little scooter.”

 

“Nice,” said Alex as he ultra dabbed. Just as he was about to continue and make a beautiful spiel, another Chinese earthquake hit.ghymerwfguefrwkg4trkltrgfgulegule.wghuil.rwl.ufrewlfrewl.wkiefrhilwryi;rg.lyir.;;h9874556tgrvfsdffghjkldfdfdbghbhnjjvcbbghwwbbwbwbwbwbwbwbwbwbwbwbbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrrbrbrrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrb

 

Justl like the hurricane in St. Nevisu, Hamilton was the only survivor. Everyone on the East coast died.

 

Alex sighed and looked around at all the dead people. “Wee woo it’s a resurrection party,” he cheered. He began to work, performing the Naruto run around all the people on the entire East Coast, spreading life like a cheeto puff. 

 

Alexander is the true saviour of this Nation. You heard about whoever the fuck? George Washington? Thomas Edison? Barack Obama-kun? George Wilse Book? Nah man. It’s Alexander Hamilton cheese puffing it up.

 

“Amen” echoed the people in the church. THe pastor closed the bible. “That was our reading of the holiest passages sin the Bible. It’s one of those reader insert stories so we used today’s groom, Alexander Hamilton.”

 

The people clapped for him, suspiciously on-beat with Helpless by Lin-Manuel Miranda. Hamilton hadn’t heard that song in ages.

 

The groom and bride stood up from where they had sat down criss cross apple sauce as one does in high society.

 

“You may now ultra succ the bride,” the pastor announced.

 

Alex had been preparing for this moment. Using the chapstick he and Laurens had shared and becoming his inner kirby, nothing could go wrong. JUST THEN ANOTHER CHINESE EARTHQUAKE CAME THROUGH brbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbbrbrbrbrbbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbbrbrbrbrbbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbbrbrbrbrbbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbbrbrbrbrbbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbbrbrbrbrbbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbbrbrbrbrbbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbbrbrbrbrbbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbbrbrbrbrbbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbbrbrbrbrbbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbbrbrbrbrbrb

 

Even though everyone was vibrating in their seats, the ceremony continued on. Hamilton and Eliza kissed and were officiated in marriage. Everyone clapped and cheered and threw rice cakes at them. Even the earthquake.

 

~In New York you can be a new la  
~in New York you can brbrbrbrbrbrbrbbrbr~~IN NEW YORK YOU CAN BRBRBRBRB~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “John Madden John Madden” -parsniffs  
> "I" -SailorChibiChibi
> 
> backwardstypos is responsible for the chinese earthquakes and the comments on bikes and scooters.


	9. A Toast to the BRBRBride

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Angelica is convinced her life is ruined now that her one true love Alex Ham is married, so she drowns her sorrows in drinks. Unfortunately, she’s still at the wedding and is expected to make a speech despite the fact that she can no longer walk in a straight line. The Illuminati intervenes. Very emotional.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we dedicate this to backwardstypos:
> 
> " 'sorry there might be some typos' tell that to my masterpiece: the Chinese Earthquake "
> 
> yes thank you for those they really added development to the story

“wuooooooooooooohwoooooooooooooooooooooooh toasty toast”

 

Angelica is drunk as shit at the wedding reception. They had the good stuff she drank the good stuff. Where she is, she can hardly remember. All she knows is that she’s still salty over something, something very vague and blurry that involved penguins and cheeto puffs. And something about ladybug fetishes? Who knows.

 

She does however remember that she is supposed to give a speech. Before she had lost her good senses to drinks, she had had a speech prepared written on little flashcards and everything. But she had spilled one of her cups and used the flashcards to wipe it off the table before anyone noticed, so now she was just going to wing it.

 

“A toaster stroodle to the groom!” she made up. ‘Nailed it’ 

 

The other people in the hall, either well aware that Angelica was drunk and wasn’t going to make sense or drunk themselves, echoed “The groom!”

 

“To the bride!” Angelica remembered to say. After all, this is her sister’s wedding, no matter how crusty she is.

 

“TO THE BRIDE!!!!” Everyone was getting into it now.

 

“From your sister,” Angelica started booty popping now. “Who is always by your side, being the best, very amazing, much good, supportive. Yes, it’s me Anjellyca, I am the one the one yes I don’t need a gun to get respect up on the streets.”

 

The audience soon followed, not missing a beat, “ANJELLYCA!”

 

“To your union,” Angelica said, busting out her vocabulary skills.

 

“To the union!” most of the hall yelled. In the very back, a few bitchos yelled, “TO THE REVOLUUUUUTIOOOOON” 

 

Angelica was ready to bitch slap these hoes, but alas she needs to finish her speech.

 

“May you alwayyyyysssss,” she said, slurring just a bit.

 

“Alwayyyyyyyyyssssssssssssssss,” the audience knows what’s good.

 

“Be satisfied!” Angelica finished. Best speech ever 11/10.

 

As the rest of the hall obediently did what they were fuckin supposed to, shouting back “SATISFIED!”, the few hoses in the back kept going and cried, “Rewind!”

 

Wait wait wait wtf were these bitchos talking about? She’s too drunk to tell reality from illusion.

 

“Rewindwindwindwindrewindwindwinfwind!”

 

Fuck she shouldn’t have had a shots competition with Mulligan (he’s surprisingly still alive) and then get high on designer drugs.

 

“Y’aint drunk enough yet ma’am,” said someone from behind.

 

“Clearly I am because I think I just heard you say ‘y’aint’ and that’s not anything a normal person would say,” snapped Angelica turning around to face a hooded figure. It looked like a member of the Sniper Clan XXX.

 

“We apart of the  [ Illuminati ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GRWbIoIR04c) and we’re here to make you even more drunk. Have fun going on another drug trip today.” They stabbed her. With a needle I should clarify. Filled with drugs. Liquid drugs.  (Am I drunk right now too?)

 

She had been brought back to the night where she had first met Alexander. She saw her past self penguin sliding across the hall. She will regret this night for the rest of her days.

Angelica had never seen a memer before that didn’t look like they played COD in the basement all day. This guy was special.

 

“You strike me, as a memeale who has never been satisfied,” past Alexander states.

 

Wee oo wee oo her cover had been blown. She was never satisfied. Sometimes her food came out cold in the middle from the microwave and that left her tart all day. How did this boi...? “I’m sure I don’t know what you mean, you forget yourself,” she will never forget. 

 

“Yo’re’rt  like me, I’m never satisfied,” he says with a hint of alchohohol escaping his breath.

 

“Is that right?” she would not believe this bitcho. Nothing gets past world renowned Anjellyca.

 

“I have never been satisfied,” he reconfirms.

 

Ohohohohohohohohohohohohoh this is how he wants to play. 

 

Hmhm, “My name is Angelica Schyuler.”

 

“Scooter?”

 

“Yup that’s me, Scooter.” Angelica rolled her eyes. 

 

“Neato I love scooters,” he said with childish excitement. “I’m Alexander Hamilton.”

 

A scooter connoisseur? He must be from high society.

“Where’s your family from?” she asks.

 

“Not important. I have a big agenda that my fam won’t fit in. Fam? Nah dude. Fam sucks. They never got me. They never told me ‘I got u fam.’ They all just died one day lmao.” He turned away teary-eyed to look off into the sunset.

 

“Don’t worry. I got u fam,” Angelica says, knowing the pain of liking scooters way too much. She placed her hand on his shoulder.

 

Suddenly on this wild drug trip she separated from her body. Whoosh a strong breeze came through the hall and Angelica fell out of herself. She was a ghost now. She floated above her past self and watched her lead Hamilton over to Eliza.

 

“I’m about to change your life, bro,” Angelica said to her newly found Hamfam.

 

“And ruin my own,” ghost Angelica bitterly mumbled.

 

“Then by all memes, lead the way!” Alexander carefully slipped in.

 

She may not be happy but at least Eliza will be.

 

“My name is Elizabeth Schuyler,” Eliza curtsied.

 

“Scooter? Like my main man, bro, fam, sista before mista, Angelica?!”

 

Eliza had shot her sister a cringe at the ‘Scooter’ part as though to say, “This boi? You’re bringing me this boi who can’t even pronounce the very simply name of Schoo Lee Er that is pronounced exactly like how it is spelled?”

 

“My sister,” Angelica rolled her eyes. “Schoo Lee Er!” she pronounced for Hamilton so Eliza didn’t have to.

 

“Thank you for all your service,” Eliza begrudgingly said, starting to like Alex a little bit.

 

Ghost Angelica was nyooming through the air coming to bitchslap her sister out of existence just out of pure envy when she saw Eliza’s face melt into adorable admiration for Hamilton. Her sister was in too deep.

 

She turned back to past Angelica, “I’ll leave you to it!”

 

And with that, her old self walked away from the greatest thing she had ever laid eyes on (besides a mirror) and her current self looked straight into the camera like she was on The Office. It was still painful to watch herself walk away from what she wanted most in the world even weeks later. It was still a dumb thing to do.

 

“Welllllllllll,” ghosty reckoned with herself. “If Eely is married to Alex then at least I’ll still see him.”

 

“He’ll still be in my life…” she said growing at peace.

 

ajsfvnkjvnmerokvnmervkjl cverkjfrefjbbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbr

 

A chinese earthquake brought her back to the present. Everyone in the banquet hall was screaming and running around in complete chaos. Angelica had passed out on the floor after the Illuminati drugged her.

 

One last time.

 

“A toaster stroodle to the groom!” she said with more concentration than last time.

 

“TO THE BROOM!!!”

 

The broom sitting at one of the tables wearing a blue shirt and sunhat, who had recently graduated from school and had gotten a great education, blushed.

 

“To the bride!”

 

“To the bride! To the BRRBRUIDE!”

 

“From your sister! Better than all of y’all,”

 

“No y’aint,” the crusty hooded figures called back very tartly.

 

“Angelica! ANJELLYCA!!!!!!”

 

“Who is always by your guy! djfnskjff SIDE!”

 

“By your side, by your side!”

 

“To your UNION!” she sang with more passion than she had for rare pepes.

 

“To the ONION!”

 

“To the REVOLUTION” the bitchos were at it again. Angelica pursed her lips and clapped to summon the snipers to take them out, but nothing happened. Apparently she didn’t have that power.

 

“And the hope that you’ll provide!”

“PROVIDE!” the audience was tired, this was their second go at it.

 

“May you alwayssssssssssssss,”

 

“AlWayYYyyyyyyssssssSsssss!”

 

“Be satisfied!” she finished for real this time.

 

Angelica looks to Alexander and Eliza making out in the middle of a chinese earthquake. She thinks back to what could have been her.

 

She knows Eliza will be pretty satisfied with her purchase of memer 5000.

But she knows Alexander won’t be. But she’s 100% sure, she will never be memeified.

 

Softly, over the burrburr of the earthquake, she muttered to herself, “I will never be memeifi-ied.”

 

The earthquake shed a single tear for her. May Anjellyca Scooter’s hopes and dreams rip in pieces, 420 B.C - whatever year this bullshit was happening in.

  
[ *emotional piano* ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RRKJiM9Njr8)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “time to delete myself forever” -SailorChibiChibi  
> "nothing but serious business, as always" -parsniffs


	10. rrrrrRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR(ape)omance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This wedding is ruining so many people's lives. John Laurens cannot believe his bro, his main man with the game plan, Hammy (copyright John Laurens 1780), was getting married to a memeale. Luckily, he has the whole gang plus Burr (ew) and a seemingly endless supply of drinks to console him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We dedicate this chapter to thomasjeffersonsmacaroni for   
> "Gonna vroom vroom groom broom in on my Anjellyca Scooter and get all the ladies"  
>  Good luck with that my friend ;)

‘Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuccccccccccccccckkkkkkkkkkkkkk. My dude, my man, my bro, my Homeo Romeo.’ Laurens thought as he saw his main Hammy Man get married off to some random scooter. He wasn’t invited to the wedding because he causes chinese earthquakes whenever he gets upset and Hamilton knew he would be. Instead, he watched from outside the window, killing random servers that passed by with food and ultra succing their trays. He didn’t cause any earthquakes tonight *winkwink*.

Laurens thought that he and Hamilton had something. They ultra succed chapstick from each other’s mouth. He broke down Alex’s door. He cuddled with Alex at 3 A.M because he had anxiety over country holding. They went to the winter ball for GWash together and even flew through the air like Mary Poppin’. They held dicks! You can’t just hold someone’s dick then turn right around and get married to someone else. That goes against the first law of bromance. Laurens whipped out his miny copy of the law book and mumbled to himself, “Thou shall not be a bitch to thy partner of bro by getting married to a memale.”

 

The salt overtook Laurens and as soon as the rings were exchanged and the kissing was finished (he bet Alex had used some baby ass smooth chapstick for tonight… That was supposed to be their thing!) he busted through the window he had been lurking outside of and barrel rolled over to Hamilton.

 

“Yo my dude, what up?” Laurens said with a casual lean on a chair then proceeding to fall on the ground. From his angle on the floor, Alexander had a magnificent triple-chin. He took a decent amount of time counting them all.

 

“Nothing, my dude. Just a night out with Eliza.”

 

“Cool, cool,” Laurens said. “Hey I know you didn’t have a bachelor party, so if you want to come to the corner with me, Hercules, and Lafayette we could have one.”

 

“Sounds LIT” cried Alex, pushing past Eliza and Angelica who had mysteriously passed out on the floor (most likely from the drinks the bartenders never seemed to run out of) to go see his fam.

 

Laurens was left standing at the altar where he had found Alex. 

 

“HEY ALEX CATCH” He screamed, and threw his copy of the bro law across the room. Alex turned around just in time to see it smack him in the face. “Bitch,” Laurens mumbled as he quickly nart ran over to the group.

 

“Hey Mulligan, didn’t you die earlier?” Alex questioned the buff man.

 

“Did I? The afterlife was hella gr8 tho. I watched a cow get married. Kind of like today lmao amirite” 

 

Alex attempted to hide his saltiness, after all it is his wedding night. He plastered a very strained smile on his face. 

 

“HahahahahahahahaHAhAHHAHahahahahahahHAhahahfukjdgvsn,” Hamilton was crying by the end of his fit.

 

Laurens made it over to the bar and swiped up his book from the floor. When he turned to face Alex sobbing, he started and then tackled him in a hug.

 

“Shit dude I didn’t mean to break your nose or anything with my bro laws.” Laurens patted Hamilton’s head. “And I’m sure you didn’t mean to break my heart,” he added silently.

 

“No m8, it’s not ur fault, Mulligan is just a dick,” Hamilton said smearing his tears and snot on Laurens’ new shirt.

 

Lafayette, who was doing nonstop shots in the corner, turned over and smacked Mulligan across the face. “Boi do you have mAnnERS IT’S OUR ALEX’S WEDDING TODAY”

 

“I lost them all when I died in the war,” Mulligan replied, rubbing the red spot on his face.

 

Laurens slowly gets out of the hug making sure Alex is all better. He then got a drink and started a toast. Alex should have at least made him the maid of honor.

 

“I may not live to see our glory,” Laurens proclaimed.

 

Everyone except Alex who was busy ordering a concerning amount of drinks echoed back lazily. 

“But I’ve seen wonders great and small,” he continued. Alexander Hamilton himself is a wonder that is small, but his dikk is great. “And if our boi Hammy whose greatest achievement so far is getting a cat named after him can get married,” Laurens wanted to get in at least one roast tonight.

 

“If Alexander can get married,” Lafayette and Mulligan sang.

 

“There’s hope for our dikk’s after all!” Laurens finished. 

 

“Wowowowwowowowowowowowowowowow”

 

Lafayette decided it was his turn to be in the spotlight. “Raise a glass to freedom!”

 

“Something you will never see again!” Laurens added.

 

Mulligan decided to be a bitcho and comment, “No matter what Laurens tells you.”

 

“Let’s have another round tonoinfoight,” said a now extremely drunk Lafayette.

 

Laurens, who had been downing some of the glasses Hamilton ordered when he wasn’t looking, smiled a dazed smile at Lafayette on the other end of the bar and mumbled, “Raise a glass to us four poor memes.”

 

“To the newly not memale-less”

 

“We’ll tell the story of tonight!” Lafayette said downing another shot.

 

“Let’s have another round!” Mulligan cheered.

 

Across the ballroom a peculiar figure popped up. It was JOHN CENAaron Burr, newly resurrected. Aaron decided as he always does, to swiggle in like a wiggle to the conversation.

 

Alex turns around and immediately senses the crust. “Well if it isn’t Aaron Burr,”

 

“Yes bitch it’s me,” said Aaron as he stepped out of the shadows. “Happy birthday. UFKC Wedding day.”

 

“I thought you would ditch,” said Alexander.

 

“Free food and an opportunity to harass you? I’d never pass that up.”

 

“rrr….rrrr….rrrrrrrrr.RRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAPPPPPPPPPEEEEEEE!” screamed Alex but Burr swiftly covered the shorter man’s mouth.

 

“Don’t say that so loudly the police are still after me,” Burr whispered into his ear. Hamilton stopped thrashing and Burr let his hand fall away.

 

“SOOOOOOOOOO,” said Mulligan, leaning against the bar. “How are you today, Mr. Aaron Burrnt?”

 

“I see the whole gang is here,” Aaron says in response to Hercules.

 

Lafayette was spinning in his bar chair like a little child. He shouted, “He called us a gang!!!!!! A gang!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The proper term is squad I’ll hAVE yoU KnOW!!!!!!!!”

 

Hamilton was starting to get a headache and shushed all the men. “Ignore them. Congrats to you, Lieutenant Colonel. Can we trade jobs, pretty please?”

 

“Nah fam idk wtf you’re doing but it involves the main man GWash who is a DICK to me.” Aaron tossed his head to the side dramatically.

 

“You know you want it,” Alex said slyly.

 

“Now be sensible, from what I hear you’ve made yourself very dispensable, kind of like PEZ,” Aaron said. “I’m sure your country is thriving right now. You should be very happy.”

 

Laurens came back into the conversation, ready to defend his Alex, even if he’s married to someone else. He checks his information on Burr before saying, “Well a little birdy told me you have a special someone, Butt.”

 

Burr rotated his body 5 degrees to face Laurens. “UM” he begins.

 

“Wait,” Alex pleaded. “The fuck did you just say about my country?”

 

But the two men didn’t hear him.

 

“IIIIIIIII know you got someone you liiiiiiiiike Burr,” Laurens sang.

 

“Whaaat!? dfklberl, bye bye bitches,” Burr tries to escape but Alex catches him by the arm.

 

“Umm these fucks should go,” Alex said.

 

A general sound of offense came from his friends. They all started yelling things like “OMG NOOO” and “Alex I threw the bro book at you have you learned NOTHING” and “What about the drinks?????!?!?!!!”

 

“Butt I hate you more than screamo, but it’s alright if you got someone. Where are they?” Hamilton asked.

 

“Hmmmhmhmhmmmmmhmhhhmm, first make all your friends leave,” said Burr, turning his head to look at all the bois trying to pile the glasses into their arms and make a hasty escape.

 

Alexander jumped on Burr’s back and said, “To the other side of the room!”

 

Aaron considered yelling rape, but he decided he was too much of an intellectual for that. He nyoomed across the room at an average speed considering he had Alex on his back.

 

“Sooooooooo,” Alex said still on Aaron’s back.

 

“I am not a chair,” grumbled Burr before shrugging Hamilton off. He fell to the ground and began to whine.

 

“mmmmmmmmmmmBOI it is my wedding day and if I want to sit on your back sO HELP ME—”

 

“Not if you want to talk.”

 

Alex crossed his arms and pouted. “Fine. Just tell me who your bae is.”

 

Aaron put his hand up to stop Alexander. “Never use the word ‘bae’ again and I’ll tell you.”

 

“Ok, Aaron,” Alex said growing annoyed. “Why didtcha bring ya girl to my wedding????? I would have loved to meet her and warn her about all your stupid crustiness.”

 

“She’s married, Alex,” Burr said.

 

“WHo gives a fuck Burr,” ALexicon said, Burr was freaking out over nothing.

 

“She’s married to a Britanu officer,” Burr said solomonly.

 

“O shit,” was all that came out of Hamilton’s mouth. 

 

“Exactly. Now do you understand why I couldn’t just bring her to a crust fest like this?”

 

Alex started to sniffle for the 69th time today. Aaron looked startled.

 

“Oops. And here I was thinking St. Nevisu or wherever the Hellu was going to have a good day.”

 

That started the watergates for Alex. How dare he be double roasted?! His country was probably a million times better than whatever shit Aaron controls. What about every time the snipers take him out? How does his country deal with that, huh? At least Hamilton doesn’t die twice a week.

 

“Aaaaaronnnnnnn,” whined Alexander. “Get your ho ass out of my face before I defenestrate you out of the banquet hall.”

 

“Ok, ok!” Aaron said in mock defeat. “Anyway congrats on getting married, you’re an ugly crier so smile more, and I’ll see you on the other side of the war.” Aaron had covered everything on his checklist.

 

“I hope I don’t see you on the other side!” Alex yelled as Burr began to walk away.

 

“SNIPERS ASSEMBLE!” screamed Hamilton. He thought something like this might happen so he invited the snipers to his wedding. 

 

They all backed away from the buffet table and readied their guns. “It’s the usual target this time, right?”

 

“Of course,” confirmed Hamilton.

 

Whpewpewpewpepwpew. Rest in pieces Aaron Burr again. A couple people screamed but most of them had seen Aaron die before. This happened all the time.

 

Alex went over to Eliza and they requested the Zoey 101 theme to the D.J. Booty. They began dancing magically. Across the room where the gang was still at the bar in the corner, Laurens began wailing.

 

“HEY ALEX CATC—” he tried, but Hamilton clapped his hands together again and pointed to John.

 

“Get him too.” He winked at Laurens. “JK JK DON’T KILL HIM I S2G IF YOU GUYS KILL HIM I WILL DIE A THOUSAND DEATHS”

 

The snipers sadly let their guns fall.

 

John didn’t know whether to be offended or happy that Alex would die for him. He just let his body get into the beat of Zoey 101 and freed his soul. He got lost in the rock & roll and drifted away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “lmao you THOUGHT we forgot about country holding. surprise bois” -parsniffs
> 
> "Rest in pieces Lams" -SailorChibiChibi


	11. A Bird as Yellow as the Beautiful Minions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron Burr is depressed from once again having to resurrect himself. His dick is sad and floppy again, and all he has to bring up his mood are a few letters from his precious Theodosia, the sweet thought of minion memes, and a bird outside his window that won’t shut up. Also, another bird that currently owns his house.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is coming out later in the day, us authors procrastinated till the last minute.
> 
> Also the winner from last week is SpicyBOI for "dj.booty in the house muthafuckers"
> 
> Inspiring words we should all live by.

Aaron Burr always felt down on days he had to resurrect himself, his mood usually depending on the quality of his new dick. It was never good. He always got some floppy cheese shit.

 

The one thing he could always rely on though was a letter from his girlfriend (currently taken by someone else as waifu). He would sit on his fine ass ass and smell the scent of moldy parchment and Theodosia. Her letters were packaged up in the finest meme paper around. The seal was shaped like a minion. Not just any minion but his favorite one, Bob.

 

He’d talked with Theodosia and she said it was cool that if he ever found Bob somehow, they could have a threesome. His little overalls made him go fucking crazy. There was even one time where Theodosia roleplayed as Bob for him, let’s just say she got some “banana” that night. He regrets his life choices every time he thinks about that.

 

His favourite part about getting the letters was seeing Bob’s two sexy eyes peering into his soul. Just the way they remind him of two hard almonds (almost as hard as his dick was getting thinking about it) on a Wheatley farm on a summer morning… 

 

But Burr knew that, unfortunately, he was only allowed to come play Minion Master in the bed with Theodosia while her husband was on the better side of Georgia. Damn that man, he prefers Nanalan over the minions.

 

Burr gags at that thought.

 

But of course, he knows that love doesn’t discriminate between different types of memers. If his glorious Theodosia can love a man like him and a man like the Manalan she was married to, then he knew anything was possible~*:･ﾟ✧

 

He thinks back to his mother, a pure genius, showing him his first minion memes. Then his father showed him how to handle and respect them. When they died they left no instructions on how to make more, not even the handbook he came with as a baby, just to protect the ones there are.

 

This was one of the many things that bothered him about the memeolution. Britainu was trying to take control over the new memes, all the precious minion ones will be safe.

 

He’s willing to wait for the time the memes are free unlike some people. Some people that just decided they were too good to wait for the memes to get the rights they deserved and just up and died because they were too impatient. What nerds, honestly.

 

Who gave his parents the right to die? Boi. Quite honestly they were the purest cinnamon rolls he knew, so there was no reason they wouldn’t be able to resurrect. But then Aaron remembers the small fact of the matter, you acquire a cheese dick.

 

His father would never have been able to go through with something like that. The pain of being alive and losing your original, perfectly normal dick and having it be replaced with a silly excuse for one would be too much for his father to handle. And how would his mother react? He’s just a shell of the man he used to be.

 

Cheese dongers aside, Burr considers himself to be an intellectual and an original for his views. He does every meme perfectly, no danking involved. He even graduated from Quinceton College early, with top memarks on all his tests. He was no peasant. He was the stock photo of a perfect human.

 

What Aaron doesn’t understand is how someone like Hamilton could surpass him in the race for the memes. He was an arrogant little brat, who screams “RAAAAAAAAPPPPPPPPPPPEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!” whenever he comes within fifteen feet of Alexander. How could anyone in the meme world take him seriously? Politics were much too sophisticated for little bois that don’t know how to shut their mouVs.

Aaron has been waiting for his moment in the lime light for 69 years. How could this boi just show up and become the next Cleopsa? It was unfair, and Burr spent most of his days sulking around the house whinnying. (like a horse.)

 

~Tweet tweet~

 

Wait, what?

 

~Tweet, tweet~

 

“I’m trying to have an inner monologue here!” Burr screamed at seemingly no one. He charged over to his window and threw the curtains open. There was a plump little bluejay sitting on the windowsill. He couldn’t determine where its neck was, it looked like just a body and a face. How adorable.

 

“Leave,” he said, tapping it on the head (Weewoo weewoo PETA’s coming to get you!). It did not.

 

More tweeting came, though the bluejay’s beak didn’t move. 

 

~Tweet, tweet~

 

“WHatever see if I care!” Burr exclaimed as he slammed the windowsill shut. He turned on his heel to go back and sit in his fancy floral refurbished high-class Kmart clearance sun chair and continue his emo monologue. He scrunched up his face and hugged his shoulders, trudging through the dark, when he ran into a big yellow feathery tree.

 

“What is this!? I only buy the neon pink feather trees from Kmart! THIS IS A MONSTEROSITY!”

 

~Tweet tweet…… say that to my face bitch~

 

Burr spun back around, expecting to see the bluejay through the window again instead came face to face with a 7 ft. tall bird.

 

“A ye yoyoyoyo the name’s Big Bird,” the bird states to burrd.

 

“Wha?? How did you get into my house?

 

“I bought this house yesterday, the realtor said the last patent had died,” BB replied.

 

O shit, that’s right. Usually when Burr dies everyone forgets about him. He always has to go reintroduce himself to the landlord when he dies, but he got so caught up in Theodosia’s letters… 

 

“Are we roomates now?” asked Aaron quietly.

 

“Nah my dude, I own the house and I’m not having some cheese dick floppy ass minion HO living in it,” said the bird. He crossed his arms like a badass. Sunglasses slowly ascended onto him. (Holla.)

 

“Bubutunubuuuuuu……” Burr tried to argue.

“Sshhshhh.” Big Bird put a single feather up to Aaron’s lips to silence him.

 

Burr shrugged away and pouted. “How did you even afford this property?” he whined. “It’s worth at least 4 Nart Rituals.”

 

“The better question is how did you?” Big Bird said as he looked Aaron up and down.

 

“My parents left it for me,” said Aaron defensively.

 

“NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOoRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRD” yelled BB. “I bought this with my own money fam. From m’ business.”

 

“What business?” asked Burr. “I’m sure I would’ve seen a gentleman like you if there was such a business.”

 

The bird leaned in close. Aaron held his breath. “Are you high right now? Are You SMoKINg?”

 

“No…?” He might be. He’s not sure it’s normal to see huge yellow birds in your house saying they just bought your property.

 

“WEelll i’m afraid I can’t do business with you then,” BB said. “Go on now, shoo shhooo!”

 

As Burr was being shoved out his own door he had an idea.

 

“Wait!” (for it)

 

“Hmmmmmm,” replied Big Bird.

 

“What if I can help you with your business?” asked Aaron.

 

“I dunno, can you?” BB sounded impatent.

 

“You sell drugs right?” said Aaron confidently. He knew that because of his Super Deduction Amazing Skillz. “I have some friends that might be interested.”

 

“Really!” said BB trying to sound as bored as possible.

 

Burr stood up on his tippytoes to get closer to the big bird’s face. “Yeah,” he whispered breathily. “I can get lots of new customers for you…”

 

“So let’s say I consider the deal,” started BB. “You would have to wipe my ass right before I go to sleep. Oh and also I don’t wipe during the day :).”

 

“Heh? That wasn’t apart of the deal though. Do you know what toilet paper is?”

 

“Listen little pathetic minion memer,” said the bird threateningly. “Do you want to have a place to sleep or not? My ass is waiting.”

 

Burr thought for a moment. There couldn’t possibly be as much shit up there as there is in Alexander’s brain. 

 

‘Do it for your country’ Burr thought to himself. ‘Do it for your name.’ Because, as Hamilton had pointed out many a times, “Burr” was very close to the word “butt.”

 

Coincidence? Apparently not. This is his destiny. He should just embrace it now.

 

“Uh, okay.”

 

Big Bird did not seem surprised. He extended one wing for Aaron to shake. The contract is complete.

 

“A pleasure to be working with you!” exclaimed BB.

 

“and you?” Burr hesitantly replied. At least he had a house again.

He had just gained an asset in the Meme War. Or, should he say, ass-et.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dhZTNgAs4Fc -everyone in this fanfiction" -SailorChibiChibi
> 
> "alrighty doo" -parsniffs


	12. Daddy’s Little WWE Wrestlers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> LIFE ON THE GODDAMN MURDER SCENE is usually very boring. Usually. Of course, with Alexander Hamilton and Charles Lee in the same place, it’s now ten times spicier.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “Wow 11/10 u are true memelords my dudes almost as dank as me” -doublereed11
> 
> We'll explain why this chapter got out so late at the end.

Life on the murder scene has been quite boring as of late. Alex had been stuck watching everyone else killing themselves when all he could do was write for Daddy errrrrm G Wash. His letters had started getting much sassier with each exchange.

 

“Yo we need food,” he wrote in a letter, then sign seal deliver and it was already in the hands of Congress. It was honestly way too easy.

BOOM

 

Hamilton scratches another line on the wall. He does this every time somebody dies on the battlefield. Wait. Alex takes the time to count each marking and there are 420. (At least several of those were all for Mulligan.) This means his horoscope must be great today. 

 

Alexander decides to test his luck by asking the General a few tiny favors.

 

“Sir,” Hamilton says as he knocks on Washington’s chamber.

 

“I don’t need any company today,” replied Washington.

 

“No, it’s not that this time.”

 

“HMMMMMMMMMMM?” George said with open ears (and a closed mouth)

 

“Well sir… maybe you could give me some soldiers to lead?” Alex hesitantly asked.

 

George began spinning around in his chair, then abruptly stopped to stare Hamilton in the eyes. “MMMMMMMMMMM nah.”

 

“But Daddy?” tears were starting to form in his eyes but Alex succed extra hard so they wouldn’t fall.

 

“Not today, Alexanderrrr,” said George, turning in his chair again and waving him off.

 

Hamilton pressed his lips into a very thin line and left the office. He would make Washington regret that decision. He was the best man for the job, he was sure of it!

 

“Why not BITCH!” Alex suddenly nart ran in front of Washington. Lol he tried to keep his calm but Alexander Hamilton has a very short temper. George had been expecting this and stopped the stopwatch he had started as soon as Alex left the room.

 

“Two seconds, that’s a new record,” he mumbled to himself.

 

“George!” Alex was waving his arms around. “This! Is! Injustice! Just because I’m only three feet tall doesn’t mean I can’t lead an army!”

 

“Settle down, son,” GWizzles calmly deposits Alexander into the timeout corner.

 

“Not again daddy,” he pouts as he is lifted into the air and dropped flat onto the ground. He suffers.

 

“djkkkkn slgnrrrrrrr griiiiiiiiiii eufqkoooooooo!” are the sounds being emitted from Hamilton’s new position.

 

“Yes yes, child, settle down now.” George kicks him. “Shhh. Shhhhh.”

 

“FIne. But not because you asked me to!” Alex pouted.

 

Hours passed and Alex sat in the corner quietly doing nothing except waiting for Washington to remember he was still in the corner. (Like that one shell silverstein poem lol remember??????????) 

 

The only thing to break the everlasting silence was Charles Lee plodding down the hallway very slowly. It took him five minutes to enter the doorway. He even had a personal orchestra to play the pink panther wherever he went. That’s the only song they play. Charles once tried to teach the cello how to play Ukranian Bell Carol but wowie was that a mess.

 

“Finally you’re here,” said George from his desk as soon as the orchestra hit the last note (tWIIIIIIINGNSNGSGNSJDGN FIddle fiddle fiddle WHOOSH).

 

“Were you expecting me?” winked Charles. “I thought I was coming to surprise you.”

 

Alex looked from George to Lee with betrayal in his eyes. Was this boi a ho too? No never. He’s Washington’s one and only slut.

 

“I’m afraid we have to deal with military issues today,” replied Washington. “But if you’re a good boy you might get a special treat.

 

This seemed to be bad. Alex’s animal like instincts caused him to awkwardly puff up his chest in no way a threatening manner. He could see Lee’s eyes momentarily get distracted and spare him a glance, but Daddy George didn’t even notice.

 

“What the military’s up to today, sirree?” questioned Lee. “Well I can proudly say we successfully retreated every single battle!”

 

“That’s… um, great. Anyway. Now you’re in charge of more people.” George picked up a little paper mache army guy representing Troup 420 and lobbed it at Charles. 

 

“WEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!” screamed Charles as he snatched it in his greedy hands.

 

A low note RESONATED (cause im an intellectual) through the room, startling everyone. They all looked over to the orchestra, but everyone was laying tacet. It continued again, this time louder, coming from the corner. It was Alexander Hamilton. 

 

“b(rbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbrbr)bbbbbbbBBBBBBBBBBBBBBOOOOOOOIIIIIIIIIIII DOn’T LET ME ROAST YOU” he shot up from his crisscross applesauce on the floor to launch forward and tackle Lee.

 

“SON!” Washington screamed as he caught Hamilton mid air.

 

Charles, who had been bracing for impact, fell backwards onto his neck, his back, eat his pussy, and his crack. “Retreat!!!!” he shrieked in time with the song~~~~

 

“Ch—charles boi what are you doing,” said Washington as he continued to restrain Alexander, who was thrashing wildly.

 

By then Charles Deek was already long gone. Nyoom. There he went, never to be seen again. (Until a few paragraphs later, this is really a plot hole)

 

Hamilton’s animal instincts calmed down and he fell LIMPLY TO THE FLOOR.

 

“...........da-daddy?” he said as he looked up at his now fuming boss.

 

“Alexander? Do you know how to stay quietly in time-out like a good boy?”

 

“Ye-yes,” Alex meekly replied. 

 

“Obviously, you DON’T.” Into the corner Alexander went flying. Nyoom, almost as fast as Lee.

 

Weeks went past and Hamilton had to stay in the corner twiddling his thumbs, waiting for Washington to finally look over and tell him he’d served enough time in jail.

 

It was a (insert temperature) (insert season) day when Alexander finally heard the golden words escape Washington’s mouth.

 

“Yo, alex…?”

 

Hamilton popped up off his booty. “You acknowledged me!!!!!!! Thank you senpai. Good day to you.”

 

“Since I haven’t seen you act out of line in the pasty few weeks—” Washington paused mid sentence for a dramatic effect. “You’re free to go back to your tent with Laurens.”

 

The sun was (probably) out (depending on the season) and shining a low golden glow over the garrison. Hamilton stretched and cringed in the light. He hadn’t seen the sun in a month.

 

He quickly ran over to his station, excited to see his mates again.

 

“Homie ho-ho-ho how’s it a’ go-go-goin’?” yelled Alex as he busted in through the tent flap. It felt good to be ho-ho-home.

 

“Alexander!” exclaimed Laurens as he looked up from his “book”. “Everyone thought you were dead bro.”

 

“Omg just like Mulligan.” He offered a fist bump to himself in place of Hercules. Ooh, he should go see them too.

 

“LOL Bye John I’m gonna go see my other pals. Not you. My other amigos,” he tossed his head to the side sassily to seem elusive and popular.

 

Laurens shed only a single tear as Alex nyoomed away.

 

Peacefully strolling on his journey to his bros’ cabin, he thought the world was swell. That was until he spotted a particular figure trash talking his daddy. Hmmmmmmmmm.

 

“So you know,” started Lee. “If Washington could keep his dick out of politics the revolution would be so much easier.”

 

The unidentified friend of his next to him grunted in agreement. Dick out of politics????? Definitely not. That is exactly where dicks belong; in the awful system that is Electing People and Talking About the Nation.

 

“If he could just go back to Mt Vernon and continue growing the damn weed we need to blaze…” 

 

Alexander was transforming into Tiger Man now. He was sprinting all the way across the campsite. He could hear nothing over the sound of his own angry heartbeat and his heavy breathing, not even George Washington’s shouts.

 

“Lee is calling you a hoe!!!!!” Alex snitched.

 

Lee, who had been seemingly unaware of both Washington and Hamilton present, immediately shut his mouth and began to turn a deep shade of red. Alexander continued nart running across the field. He was going to One-Punch this lil whiny baby if it was the last thing he ever did.

 

“Get your panties out of a twist Alex!” George said as he grabbed Alexander before he could nart away. “It’s fine.”

 

“It’s not! Charles Lee is a liar and a backstabber and a filthy ho!”

 

“Hamilton, you say that as though you are not sesrt SWEATING or maybe im still wet from the holy water. someone’s son in moestu shklt re ways that one.”

 

George spared Alex the public humiliation of blushing and javelin-tossed him across the campsite back into his own tent. He had terrible flashbacks of when he was younger getting thrown off the island.(that was like 4 months ago). He came barrelling into the side of the tent, almost knocking Laurens over.

 

“Oh so now you want to talk to me!” John huffed. “How are you, who did you visit? Hmm? Mugglian and La Foot?”

 

Hamilton started crying all over Lauren’s new shirt. He couldn’t hold it back anymore.

 

“...Oh.” Laurens stiffened and pushed Alex off of him. “Who do I gotta beat up? Huh? Was it one of those nerds you went to talk to? Was it? Do I have to beat up your feelings?”

 

Sniffing Alex replied, “L-lee was m-ma-making fun of my daddy!”

 

Laurens frowned deeply. “He was talking about me?”

 

The tent went silent.

 

“GEORGE WASHINGTON, JOHN. I meant the General.”

 

“Well then……..” Laurens took a few moments to process. “I could challenge him to a meme duel!”

 

Alex’s eyes grew wide. “You’d do that? For me?”

 

“Not for you, nerd,” said John looking off into the sunset through the massive hole in the tent Hamilton had created. “For your daddy, of course.”

 

Hamilton gave John a small smile. “Thank you,” he said.

 

“No problem,” said Laurens as he attempted to cover his blushing face. Everyone was blushing today. They all blame it on the (temperature) day.

 

“You know John, I really do lo-”  
The writers don’t feel like writing the rest. That’s your problem mate. (Even though it is our story.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "I'm pure trash, I'll admit it." -SailorChibiChibi
> 
> "I want everyone to know i spent several hours in an ikea today sitting on various couches and collecting ikea pencils and that’s why this chapter came out so late." -parsniffs


	13. Fire Extinguisher

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Duels are easy! They’re just ‘shooty shooty shooty shooty SHOT’ right? And there’s only a slight chance of dying. Laurens and Hamilton are confident everything will turn out fine in the duel against Charles Lee. STARRING MAJOR EDWARD’S cousin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We dedicate this chapter to SpicyBOI for the chapter title. We also dedicate this to thomasjeffersonsmacaroni for the encouragement.

Later that day Laurens and Hamilton came up with a game plan.

 

“So I just shooty shoot right?”

 

“PErfecto!”

 

It was …...less than perfect. They both had absolutely no experience with duels and now they’re jumping head first into one. But duels were no big issue, right? someone might die at the end but only MIGHT. Maybe. No guarantee. That was good. It’s like ordering a happy meal, there’s only a chance you’ll actually get the toy. (Though this only happens at sad McDonald’s for sad kids who live ruff lives.)

 

Which Hamilton did. He lived a very ruff life.

 

“IF he apologizes,” said John. “Should I accept?”

 

“Nah no scope him anyway,” lazily replied Hamilton as he took a handful of doritos.

 

“RIght. GOOD plan.” Laurens made a note of it in his booklet.

 

“Now we better set our sun dial for 4:20 a.m., right?” Hamilton asked Laurens.

 

“No no no. We gotta be there at 4:20. We should at least wake up at 3:33 to be ready to go n blazeit.”

 

“Corrrrrefckmo;rg!” announced Alex. “Goodnight, Johnny Guitar boi.”

 

They were in the tent again, and everyone else was sleeping soundly. They didn’t even know………. so innocent…… Hamilton could hardly sleep with all the excitement from the duel. He nart ran into his cot and knocked it over.

 

“Hamilton why???” John questioned, not expecting an answer. “Guess you’ll have to sleep with me tonight ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡° )”

 

“ur right. We gotta be careful,” said Hamilton, stepping over his fallen bed. “We have to sleep together to regain our bro health, as bros.”

 

“Yeah my m8!” said John as he scooped up Hamilton and laid him in the cot.

 

Now cots were tiny. According to the 6th grade english teacher, cots only held one body at a time and they had to lay perfectly straight otherwise they would be abducted by the God of Sleep and thrown into the pits of hell where you never can ever fall asleep. Luckily, Hamilton was also tiny, and he also rarely slept as-is.

 

“Choo choo,” said Alex to bid his friend a goodnight, then he closed his eyes and waited for the sun to rise. 

 

The next morning they woke up at 3:34 a.m. Right from the start everything seemed wrong. Alexander had a bad feeling about the duel.

 

“John, you can’t go. We woke up too late. Do you know what that means, John????” he pleaded.

 

“We’re going to be late if you don’t hurry up!” screamed John as he ran out of the tent.

 

Hamilton pursed his lips and followed after, crossing his arms and muttering like some old housewife, “wellllllllll i told himmmmmmmmmmm, i tried to warn him. it’s not my job.”

 

The duel site was far away, far far away from the garrison. They had selected a location so far away so that no one from the army would hear about it, not even the General who had eyes and ears everywhere. John and Hamilton had to walk the entire distance, because it was too windy to Mary Poppin’ their way over there.

 

Charles Lee had recruited Major Edwards’s cousin, Aaron Burr, as his second. Two crusts don’t make a cream. (whatever that means) When they arrived on the scene, it was just nearing 4:20. Alex could already smell the cringe and began to crinkle up his nose audibly.

 

“I have somewhere to be, can we get this over with?” finally asked Hamilton.

 

“Hmm?? Oh yeah, sure. We just gotta wait for Lee over there to finish loading his pistol.” John pointed to where Charles and his second were standing on the other edge of the field. He cupped his hands around his mouth and shouted, “Hurry up, loser!”

 

“Nuuuuuuuuuueeeeeeeeeh,” said Lee as he turned his head to face Laurens. He sounded like a horse.

 

John rolled his eyes and turned away. “Obviously, this shouldn’t take long.”

 

The Spongebob themed watch on Hamilton’s wrist beeped.

 

“It’s almost 4:20, Laurens.”

 

“What time is it?” 

 

Hamilton squinted at his watch. He couldn’t actually read analog clocks. “It’s, um. It’s…. it’s almost 4:20, alright?”

 

John shrugged and looked away. “Alright, alright. We have to do this soon, though. 59 seconds and then we’re done, before it even turns 4:21.”

 

John and Lee took position.

 

“One mississippi,”  
“Two misssi sii ppi”  
“Three mississippi”  
“Four mississipi”

 

“Alexander!” screamed Burr.

 

Hamilton, who had been staring up at the sky straight into the moon, snapped his head back down to meet Burr’s. “WHAT IS IT NERD”

 

“Please be serious,” Burr scolded him.

 

“I am, always, serious,” said Alex indignantly, straightening his tie.

 

“FIVE, SIX, SEVEN, EIGHT, NINE!” screamed Burr at last.

 

“NUMBER TEEEEEEEN!” exclaimed Hamilton.

 

The men dueling scurried to their spots, not having been ready for the Ten to come so quickly. It was already 4:20, they had 59 seconds to make this count.

 

Laurens just started shooting non-stop till Lee fell to the ground.

 

“Oopsie!”

 

Slowly, Hamilton and Burr approached the man lying in the dirt.

 

“u good?” Ham asked. Lee gave him a thumbs up.

 

“I was better ‘till you came over here, but I’m good,” he said as he rose up and brushed himself off. “Let’s continue with the duel.”

 

Aaron and Alexander exchanged brief glances that, for once, shone of the same tone.

 

“Or we could not…” said Burr, gently guiding Lee’s pistol to point at the ground rather than an unattentive Laurens’s face.

 

“This is the normal extent that duels go to, you know,” said Alex. “Someone gets hurt and they’re usually supposed to stop. Killing each other isn’t the actual goal of a duel.”

 

“YEAH WELL” screamed Lee, and he began shooting pew pew pew pew THE BATTLE FIELD HAD BEGUN WRAY hkgdfjvJ AEIO RRAROP A  
RAMPAGE DEATH DEATH SCREAMING RUN FOR YOUR LIVES

 

“O NO” CRIED HAMILTON, TURNING AROUND TO TACKLE HIS FIRST TO THE GROUND TO PROTECT HIM FROM THE BULLETS FIRING EVERYWHERE.

 

“HAMILTON SAVE ME” LAURENS CRIED. THEY TOPPLED OVER AND THEY WERE ON TOP OF EACH OTHER.

 

“CHARLES LEE STOP IT” YELLED BURR. 

 

“WHAT COUNTRY DOES HE HOLD?” ALEX WHISPERED INTO JOHN’S EAR URGENTLY.

 

“FUCKIN, IDK LET’S SAY BELARUSU.”

 

Hamilton stood up, dodging several bullets. “Stop, in the name of Belarusu. We wouldn’t want your country to get hurt.”

 

“YEAH WELL” SCREAMED LEE, AND THEN HE WAS UPON THEM.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Major Edwards, and his upcoming Broadway Musical, “Major Evan Edwards: A Life” -parsniffs
> 
> "lmao why even bother anymore" -SailorChibiChibi


	14. ~Oops I Did It Again: Ultra Hoe Edition~

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex is a hoe. What more do you need to know? That he got his friend to do a duel with the General’s other hoe? That he almost got the General’s other hoe killed? That he can no longer call his daddy the General because he got his ass BEAT and THROWN OUT OF THE ARMY? Nahhhh. That’s not important. He does this all the time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We dedicate this chapter to the "wat grandma" who passed away yesterday. We have to honour the true heroes of this nation.

Charles Lee was absolutely CHILL, never better. Being shot in the side isn’t the worst thing in the world. One time, at Tooty Frooty they ran out of pistachio yogurt which should be a crime. It may not have hurt him physically, but emotionally he was shattered. No, he was good now.

 

“SOOOOOOOOOo lee, are you done yet?” said Alexander with a dull tone as he swung around from behind a tree.

 

“ARE YOU SMOKING?” screamed Aaron, “He was shot in the side, of course he yields!”

 

“We should probably blast guys,” Laurens remarked.

 

“Time to nyoom already?” whined Alex. “I was having fun tho. Oh well, bye nerds.”

   

“waiut” the ensemble says. “Here comes the general.”

  
“OH SNAP” screams Hamilton. He runs and hides behind Laurens.

“This should be marvelous,” murmurs Aaron.

 

Tootin along on his scooter at a blazing 6 miles per hour, the General came ascending up the hill towards the duel site. Honk honk bois, daddy’s coming.

 

“What is the meaning of this? Both of my hoes in one spot? What if you two DIED?” cried George, hopping off his sick ride. He approached the clearing with his head held high and his hands clasped formally behind his back.

 

“Ohohoho, I wasn’t dueling this time,” said Alex. “It was my bromeo, Laurens who had the run in with Lee.”

 

“It was probably your fault tho,” said Washington knowingly. “It’s not going to be a pretty punishment.”

 

Burr shrugged and looked over to his first and Laurens. “Let’s go, my dude + 1.” They all walked away squad-style, leaving Hamilton alone with the General.

 

Washington stiffly turned to Alex, his lips pressed into a thin line and his forehead creasing.

 

“Meet me inside ;)” commanded Washington.

 

“Inside where, sir?” asked Hamilton.

 

George pointed to his scooter and pressed a button on his keys. His Cool Guy Motorvehicle began to unfold into a tent in the middle of the road.

He flip flapped the opening and slid in.

 

“meet him inside,” George quietly echoed himself.

 

Hamilton apprehensively followed, trying to ignore the convincing way George kept repeating the words. ohh, it was gettin spooky up in here. OCTOBER MORE LIKE OCT-OVER. IT’S DECEMBER GET OVER IT

 

“Sonny boi, my little dude, the child in my life, Little One,” began Washington as soon as Hamilton entered the tent. “DO I GOT A THING TO TELL YOU ALRIGHT”

 

Alex rumpled his nose indignantly. “I am not a ‘little one’ anymore, sir, I’ll have you know. I’m a big kid now, I’ve started to wear Pull-Ups™”

 

“This war is hard enough without your whining,” Washington said as he pinched the bridge of his nose. There was lots of nose action going on tonight.

 

“Lee was a bad ho, I just called him out on it!” Alex countered.

 

“And that still doesn’t solve anything, Sonny Boi! You yourself are a ho and you admit it all the time,” pointed out GWash aggressively. “This is not a ho war between my hoes.”

 

“I’m not your boi!” said Alex.

 

The General seemed to be taken aback (fancy word). He leaned his head away from the offensive man, causing his neck to grow several new chins.

 

“CALL ME YOURS ONE MORE TIME!” screeched Alex.

 

“Go **ho** me Alexander,” Washington finally said.

 

“fdjgnlerkdvnsipos!?”

 

“go homeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee”

 

The Universe had a law that it had to protect Alexander Hamilton at all costs, but there were no rules against pickin his ass up and depositing it back at home at the speed of sound. WHOOOSH the wind swooped him up NYOOm there he went. Was it it a bird? Was it a plane? No, it was just a sassy asshole who sassed himself out of the army.

  
Yass queen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don’t ever listen to Nirvana but somehow I have “Smells Like Teen Spirit” stuck in my head. I don’t know any of the words so it sounds like “dkjngknsekggn JFKNSKNFCNFF wsdkjfnweakgjnwekgnwgn KNGKFLNWLD” -SailorChibiChibi  
> lmao I couldn't FOCUS while writing this because I wrote the word "oops" ONCE and then Oops I Did It Again wouldn't get out of my head -parsniffs


	15. Tweet a Little Lullaby

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After Alexander is ruthlessly torn away from his one true love in life (the war) he is brought back home to his wife, who has some news to share. Unfortunately, they are interrupted by the mailman.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we dedicate this to the best cook in the world and the closest thing we have left to Gordon Ramsay anymore: SpicyBOi. 
> 
> BONE ATROPHY!
> 
> -parsniffs

Alexander was very thirsty. He had been kicked out of camp and into the wagon so fast he didn’t even get the chance to get something to drink. He was craving a certain drink in particular so he probably wouldn’t have got it anyway. This was the only good thing about being forced to go home because Eliza is a master at brewing them up.

 

What is this drink you may ask? Well it’s the most refined drink to ever be drunk in the history of succs. Alexander’s personal favorite, choccy milk. It was always a true delight to come home from a long war and have some hot chocletey milk.

 

Bwumpyyu bump bnump went the wagon. Alexander nearly flew out of the wagon ‘twas such a bumpy ride.!! He had to hold onto the lap bars of the roller coaster to stay in. Do they think this thing is a highway?

 

“Okay riders we are going up a hill, so prepare for descent,” announced the driver over the PA system.

 

As they ascended the hill, going up towards the bright blue sky, Alexander swore he saw a spirit with a floppy cheese dick soar past the clouds. But maybe that was just the altitude getting to him. He was almost as high as the chance of him dying.

 

“Thank you for choosing DoOp Wados Inc. we have now arrived a the home of,” the wagon attendant looks down at the smudged writing on their wrist. “Uhhhhh..Aleander Hamiltn?”

 

Alex, who had been eagerly trying to push the lap bar up to get to his house as soon as the wagon landed, dejectedly sat back in his chair. He thought it was his stop, but his fancy cousin Aleander who was running for president got off before him which was Unfair!!!!!!!!

 

The only other person on the wagon stood up. He turned to Alexander and winked, saying, “Look forward to my presidency.”

 

“Yeah okay whatever,” huffed Hamilton, trying to let his hair fall down over his face into an emo swoop.

 

“I’m going to be the greatest president in the WooooooOOOOOOOOOOooorrrrrrRRRRRRRRRRrlLLlllllllllLLLLLDDDDDDdddddddD!” said Aleander as he flew away into the sunset.

 

“Biatch,” muttered Hamilton.

 

As soon as Aleander stepped off, the wagon tried to do a K turn (which is legal in England apparently), but instead accidentally backed into a tree in Aleander’s front yard. The mechanical things in the wagon started sizzling.

 

“Haha whoopsie,” said the attendant, hopping out of the driver’s seat. “In rollercoaster wagon school they taught us to do K turns, but I never wanted to listen and I never learned how. Now we are stuck here and deserted for the rest of our lives in front of Aleander Hamiltn’s house.

 

“Good job fucktard,” spat Alexander, hopping out of the wagon to stare at the destruction with the attendant. “K turns suck ass, if you didn’t know how to do one why did you try it?”

 

“I was trying to be fancy.”

 

Alexander smacked them on the back of the head. “Bitch. Duck yard ass bitch. Ho. BOI.”

 

Alexander was triggered for approximately .69 seconds until he realized he lived across the street from Aleander.

 

“Looks like you’ll be walkin home today bich,” said the driver sassily, staring up at the rapidly moving clouds in the sky. “Too windy to do your fancy little flying trick.”

 

“Jokes on you ho!” screamed Alex as he leap frogged to his house.

 

The front door was unlocked, so Alexander kicked it open and ran inside. “Honey I’m HOme!”

 

There was no reply except for the continual sound of some song playing in the background. It sounded familiar, but Hamilton couldn’t quite place it…

 

“Mmm. Nope. Nah, this is like some horror film shit,” he said as he slowly entered the house further. “Not toDAY.”

 

Hamilton whipped his dick out for self defense and ran into the bedroom.

 

“WOKfceipobnd

DFN kefkRl  ni cjmklv

;p[plo,mnhubgyhhugbhujnyugtfyybhjnubgyjnujjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjkhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhj”!!!!! yelled Eliza. “IT is a Monster!!!!!!!! Look at that horribly ugly dick!!!! And that face!!”

 

Alex shed only a single tear as he walked toward the bed and sat down next to Eliza.

 

“You know it’s been inside of you before lmao,” said Hamilton trying not to be hurt.

 

“ABout that………” started Eliza.

 

“Hmmm. Yeeeass?”

 

“So you SeEEeEEEee…. you know how you got kicked out of the war?”

 

“Mmhmm.”

 

“That maybe was. I maybe. Asked. George. For something relating to that.”

 

“I see.” (He didn’t.) “Is this about me being his ho?”

 

“Nah you cool fam,” said Eliza. “But you have something to deal with at home now.”

 

“Oh? Is it cooking? Do you want me to start cooking? Because you know that one time you let me hold the kitchen knife while you washed the cutting board I maybe might have thrown it out the window and hit a squirrel that looked like Aaron Burr. On accident.”

 

“I don’t care about that!” exasperated Eliza. “I’M-”

 

“THE NEXT GORDON RAMSAY!” finished Alex. “I already know that, Honey. Or should I say, my fructose ketohexose.” He winked, trying to impress Gordon Ramsay.

 

“I’m pregnant, Alexander,” she finally said, tired of Alex’s shit.

 

“Pregnant with the next Gordon Ramsay? Wow, I can’t wait to meet my H2Mg3(SiO3)4 or Mg3Si4O10(OH)2 .”

 

Eliza just smiled and hugged her husband.

 

“Hopefully he doesn’t end up like you,” she stated. “Especially in your cooking. Come now, Alex, let’s go teach it how to cook.”

 

“But I have a war to get back to,” Hamilton tried to point out, but Eliza put her hand up to silence him.

 

“Until this fetus is born you’re stuck here mate!” she told him.

 

“FIne!” Alex whined liked a hormonal teenager.

 

“C’mon it’ll be fun,” Eliza encouraged the man child.

 

Their kitchen was the best-architectured part of their house, with a big archway leading into it from the hallway. The windows were ginormous because wowie did they not know what lamps did back then. Sunlight was streaming through them. Alex ran towards the pools of light and curled up on the floor, basking in the warmth like a kitten. He acted like a child of every species.

 

“BSAPOEKF DA BOOM!” screamed something as it broke through the Hamilton household’s window.

 

“BIG BIRD IS IN THE HOUSE!”

 

“O shit,” whispered Hamilton. All his worst nightmares were coming back to haunt him: birds appearing in one of his songs.

 

Eliza screamed. (very descriptive wtf)11/10

 

The fetus, nearly a perfect replica of Gordon Ramsay by this point, grabbed the knife it knew to be the sharpest: the butter knife. It pointed it at the face of the bird threateningly.

 

“Relaaaaaaaax,” said the bird, sliding around the tip. “I’m just here to deliver the daily drugs.”

 

Eliza frowned suspiciously. “I thought the mailman did that.”

 

“Mailman’s got a gun now.”

 

“Oh,” said Eliza ever so eloquently. “You can leave now.”

 

Big Bird tossed a glassine packet onto the counter and made a move as though he were going to go back out the window, but instead his attention was grabbed by the wide collection of knives in the knife block from which the fetus had drawn its weapon.

 

He picked a knife up and held it up to the light. It sparkled like Bowie in the morning sun. Twirling it through each of the feathers on his wing, he leisurely began to stroll around the kitchen.

 

“What a… what a nice place you got here,” he said, sniffing idly. “Would be a shame if something were to…. happen to it…”

 

“Yo, man we aren’t looking for any trouble,” said Hamilton, flipping through his gangster dictionary.

 

“I’m sure you’re not. You know, Alexander, you’re a couple months behind on your daily drug delivery service payment.”

 

“I swear I’ll get it to you next week!” pleaded Alexander.

 

Eliza glared at her husband. “I told you we didn’t need the premium package.”

 

“Well, it wouldn’t be too bad to have it now that we’ve got Fetus,” reasoned Hamilton, poking the child.

 

“They won’t start for a couple years,” countered Eliza.

 

“Do you have the money or not?” demanded BB.

 

“…How much was it again?”

 

“Seven hundred billion,” replied the yellow feathered creature.

 

Alex snorted. “Seven hundred billion? Yeah right, dumbass. You mean seven hundred trillion.”

 

“Alexander!” screamed Eliza as she kicked him in the shin.

 

“Ah yes, thank you for reminding me!” said BB. One baton-twirling toss later, and the knife he had been holding returned to its slit in the knife block. He bowed ceremoniously. “I will need it before the end of the month, Hamilton.”

 

With that, the _exasperating aheheheh_ bird left, flying back out the window. Eliza turned to Alex.

 

“WTF BISH WHAT DO YOU MEAN ‘SEVEN HUNDRED TRILLION’”

 

“Ho didn’t know how to count,” said Alex defensively. “There’s no such thing as seven hundred billion.”

 

He sounded so confident in himself.

 

“Omg I married a dumbass,” cried Eliza.

 

“What??????????????? I mean it’s true and I’m glad you’ve finally realized it but? Why now?” asked Hamilton, shoving his hands into his pockets and sqwunching his shoulders. “I mean, it’s not called seven hundred billion. It goes from seven billion to seven trillion. The ‘hundred’ isn’t apart of the process… right?”

 

For the first time ever the universe had decided Alex was such a ho that he needed to be put in time out. It flippity flooped him away. Suddenly he was rocket launched across the world, having an out-of-body experience.

 

As he went flying, he experienced heaven and hell and the middleworld and outer space and internal space all at once. He squinted, trying to focus the layers. In hell he could see that ho that did the K-turn in the wagon, and Alexander felt no remorse for them.

  
None.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> am I the only one that has a seizure at the beginning of HeavyDirtySoul? -SailorChibiChibi
> 
> i hate k turns -parsniffs


	16. Breakfast Time for Lafayeet ft. IKEA

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Camp spiciness level=zero. Alex may be dead, the rest of the army doesn’t know. The General is dejected without his ho. Lafayette is their only hope. Also featuring sponsored (not really) ads from IKEA.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> surprise. it's us.  
> it was mostly parsniff's fault that it's been 1234 years since the last update, the computer was broken

After the events of the duel a couple days prior, Aaron was done with the shit of the universe. He’s given up, he’s going to try and stay in the background for real this time. He was even going to try to restrain himself from lurking, which was his favourite activity to do.

 

However, he didn’t call stalking Hamilton “lurking.” It was a necessity of life, otherwise Alex would probably get his dick stuck in a teapot without Burr just  _ sliiiiding  _ in at the right time. There was really no reason for Burr to care about the shorter man, he just felt like he had to save the world from the chaos that was Alexander Hamilton Without Supervision.

 

Since Alexander’s departure, camp base had been uneventful. All his friends trudged around like they were actually mourning his discharge, and the camp sounded empty without the General constantly yelling at Alex from across the field.

 

Hell, Aaron kept hearing Alex say “daddy” in his head since it was such a normal experience. There’s only been one guy who’s managed to keep the last bit of spice in the military.  The boi was a legend.

 

And he could always smell him coming from a mile away, because damn did that kid not take showers.  It’s like he himself was trying to become stinky cheese. Aaron at least took the time out of his day to strip and slither into the nearby lake with his Shopkins body wash. Not even his cheese dick could compare.

 

His nose *inaudible nose sniff*ed up into the air, shriveling in disgust. He could tell. The man was near.

 

It was a pretty big issue that the one good army guy left in the army smelled so terrible. The enemy could quite literally sniff them out if they had to hide. Also, sometimes Burr couldn’t see clearly through his tears whenever they stood next to each other, but he wasn’t really sure if he could blame that entirely on the stench alone.

 

Even though the man smelled like crap, his Skillz ™ were anything but. He was apparently sent all the way from Franci to help fight in this war. Not only that, he was also the country holder of Franci.

 

“Liffurnett—” Burr tried to speak to him one morning during breakfast.

 

“It’s LAFAYETTE,” screamed the man.

 

“LAFAYETTE,” Burr screamed back at him. “If you’re the precious country holder of Franci, why did they send you off to the war? You know people die in wars.”

 

Lafayette looked like he was about ready to roast this bonch. “Ho, you americans are so fucking stupid that Franci will end up getting hurt worse if we don’t help, so that’s why I’m here.”

 

Burr crossed his arms and frowned indignantly at his plate. That statement hurt but he was more concerned with his strawberry that had an ass.

 

Lafayette slurped down the yolk of his yeg. “It really sucks, all the good people were kicked out of the army.”

 

“I have yet to be kicked out of the army,” said Burr proudly. 

 

“Did I stutter?” asked Lafayette.

 

“It’s absolutely mental that you would even miss that ho Alexander Hamilton,” muttered Aaron.

 

“Have you seen ze (trying to be like every fic with lafayette ever) camp in the last few days. It’s booooooooooorrrrrrrrriiiiiiing.”

 

“Bonch what??????????? This camp has been the best I’ve ever seen it in days. Just the wAy I like it, without any disturbance or problems.” 

 

Burr nearly spilled his juice donated to the army by IKEA when Lafayette suddenly stopped walking, a grave look shadowing his face.

 

“Ho, if we don’t turn our act around, we’re going to lose the war!” Lafayette proclaimed.

 

“We can easily step up our game by getting rid of some of the other misfits this army still holds ont—”

 

“That!” said Lafayette, bopping Burr on the nose. “That is exactly where we go wrong in this place!”

 

“We’re fineeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee,” dragged Aaron. “It’s going to be great without troublemakers like Alexander.”

 

“But the army, Aaron Burr, is precisely where troublemakers belong.” Lafayette turned on his heel and made his way over to one of the breakfast tables, also donated by IKEA. He did not pull out a chair for Burr.

 

“Let’s imagine,” started Burr. “That you’re right, which you aren’t.”

 

“Ohohoho, but I am!”

 

“The army,” corrected Aaron as he set his tray down onto the table with unnoticeable force (everything he did was weak), “is for people willing to obey all orders from their General.” 

 

“Do you not think that by going and fighting in a war against another country, you are being a troublemaker?” countered Lafayette, taking a sip of the tea in his cup.

 

“How would you even bring Alexander back?” questioned Aaron. “I heard he got sent to hell.”

 

“I heard it was just his carriage driver. And either way, I am very familiar with hell.”

 

“What about Washington?” shot back Burr.

 

“It’s an easy little game I call manipulation,” said Lafayette with an innocent smile. He ultra succed all the food off his plate and hopped up out of his seat. “Allow me to demonstrate.”

 

The General didn’t eat breakfast with the others. He was too fancy for that. (And most days he just slept in too late.)

 

He took his tray off to the tray thingy (also donated by IKEA) and then dragged Aaron out of the luncheon. Thanks to Alexander always sneaking off in the morning to go visit his daddy, or sometimes even coming to the food place (do they eat outside or like in a tent?) right from the General’s office, Lafayette knew where to find George Washington. 

 

The campground had some secret hideouts only a few people knew of. Lafayette being one of Washington’s favorites had a premium membership to all of them. He shuffled around in his pocket and pulled out a sparkly keycard. Aaron tried not to act jealous, but his cheese dick tingled with envy.

 

“And ah, how do you know he will be here?” scowled Burr. “Isn’t he supposed to be………………………………………………..egg” 

 

“Trust me, Mr.Burr,” replied the marquis. “He’s always here during his free time.”

 

Lafayette lifted the card up to the scanner and was greeted by a tiny beep. The doors slid open to reveal an……………..interesting scene.

Inside was what looked to be a strip club (or as close as you can get with the little money they had) full of prostitutes. Washington was smack center eyeing the candy. Lafayette was offended. He thought he was the candy.

 

“General Washington!” cried Burr, taken aback. “What is this? Wasn’t Charles Lee your ho?”

 

“Who are you again?” asked the disinterested general.

 

“Aaron Burr, sir.” 

 

“Baron Butt?”

 

Burr pursed his lips. “No, sir. Filling in for Evan Edwards.”

 

(But Evan Edwards had been a lot better.)

 

“Oh!!!! Major Edwards was a good man.”

 

Aaron refused to acknowledge that sentence.

 

Washington set aside the saltine crackers in his hands. Burr pursed his lips.

 

“Salt is illegal in garrisons,” he mumbled.

 

“What was that, Edwardsy boy?” said George as he pushed himself up from his lounge chair.

 

“Nothing,” said Burr loudly. He didn’t want to remind George that he himself was a being of salt and that he should not be allowed in the war in the first place.

 

Finally, the General noticed Lafayette standing next to the muttering mess of embarrassment. His eyes lit up and his arms opened wide.

 

“Tafftonette!” he cried, hugging the Frenchman and rustling his hair.

 

“I’m LAFAYETTE,” huffed the self-titled album of a human.

 

“To what do I owe the pleasure?” asked the general.

 

“Well,” began Lafayette. “Remember Alexander Hamilton?”

 

Washington’s eyes went pitch black as he stared intently at the wall. “Dat boi.”

  
“Exactly. Dat boi. He’s a boi to remember, I’ll tell ya. Your main honcho boncho ho to be known.” 

 

“Not anymore,” sighed Washington. “I’m not his daddy anymore.”

 

Lafayette’s eyes widened to the size of (the moon) saucy saucers. “Whaaaaat? You fired him from being your ho too?”

 

“Fired?” wailed George. “No, this is much worse. He’s someone else’s daddy now.”

 

“But petit Alex could never take on the role in a relationship!” exclaimed Lafayette.

 

“The father of a child, Baguette!” cried the seemingly macho man.

  
“Woah woah, what?” interjected Burr.

 

“LAFAYETTE!”

 

“Eu dtjgfdfefrcu fr u fh uhi miujm g j” yelled the prostitutes still surrounding them in the room.

 

**(** so sexy **)**

 

“Well no one gives twO shits about that little kid,” said Lafayette. “We need that bad boi in the war. Bring him back.”

 

“This seems like the start of a neglectful father who in the end gets his child killed,” commented Aaron.

 

“What the fuck bitch you,,,,,, you literaly S  SUck ass for a living. YOur.. Do you even have a child yet?? THat’s how awful you are, y’know. Your own fellow army fellowwww don’t evne know if you GOT Laid yet.”

 

“What?????” questioned Burr to the high guy. “I get laid more than you.”

 

“Then where thee Fuck is your kid?”

 

“When did I say I was straight,” said Aaron. “Just kidding, #nohomoeveryouhearmeNOHOMOstraifgtasarulerflatasyourass.”  *cues paintings of Alex falling from his pockets*

 

“Lmao,” said Lafayette. “You really got me there. ha. Had me worrying you were one of them Homieos. “

 

(HE HAD TO KEEP ALEX AND LAURENS’ RELATIONSHIP A SECRET)

 

“Gentlemen,” interrupted the general. “We were talking about Alex.”

 

“As we always are,” said Lafayette, smiling politely at Washington. “Annywayy,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, as I was saying about getting him back…”

 

“If you can get him back yourselves, i’ll let him lead an army kk?” said Washington.

 

“Ohoho,” chuckled Lafayette mischievously. “Then this shouldn’t be hard at all.”

 

“Ehm,” coughed Burr. “I know how to summon him.”

 

Burr took one step to the left, thus cutting down the distance between him and Alexander Hamilton from 4,000 miles to 3,999.63359 miles. In the distance, a rumbling began.

 

“rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrRbrbrbrbtbttbtbtbttbtbtbtbtbtbtbtbtbbttbtbtbttbtbtbtbtbtbtbtbtbtbtbtbbttbtbtbtbtbtbtbtbtbtbtbtbtbtbtbtbtbtbtbtbtbtbtbttbtbtbtbtbtbtbtbtbtbtbtbtbtbtbtbtbtbtbtbtbtbttbtbtbttbttbtbtbtbtbtbtbtbtbtbtbtbttbtbtbtbtbtbttbtbtbtbttbbtbtbtbttbtbttbtbbtttbtbtbttbttbtbttbtttbttbttbtbtbtbtbtbbtbtbtbtbttbtbtbtbbtbtbttbbtbttbtbtbtbtbtbtbtbtbtbtbtbbtbtbtbtbtbtbrbbtbrbbtbrbbrrbrbrbbrbtrbbttbtbtbtbtbtbtbBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBB(onch)BBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAPPPPPPPPPPPPEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE”

 

Yes, they had found him. Another successful Chinese earthquake.

 

Alexander got up from his position on the floor and looked around. Then it all came to him.

 

“DADDY!” cried Alex.

 

All the hoes in the room turned to look at Alex, and then at the General, and began to understand that their condolence was no longer needed. They all filed out of the room, taking the saltine packets with them.

  
  


“Ma Boi…” said Washington, tears threatening to form in his eyes. “You can lead ONE command.”

 

This was the greatest day of Alexander Hamilton’s life. His daddy finally trusted him enough to do this. Alex would not let him down.

 

Before the hoes were all the way out with their saltines, one of them called out, “We forgot one!”

  
They proceeded to scoop up Burr and drag him along. Away he went, off to see Ho Town. Maybe he’d meet Charles there. Just maybe ;).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “You know the world has come to an end when the Westboro Baptist Church makes a parody of I Write Sins Not Tragedies.” -SailorChibiChibi
> 
> "I have a parentheses addiction. I go 'oh, this could go in parentheses' and then it goes in parentheses and then I look back on it and realize it didn't need to go in parentheses. And yet it's still in parentheses???" -parsniffs


	17. The Great Fire of 177lit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> George has had a lot of free time on his hands since the departure of his main hoe. He now has the opportunity to enjoy his other hobbies in life, such as: starting fires, thinking about Alexander, cising it up, getting in trouble with the fire department, mistaking other people for Alexander, showcasing his poptarts, and crying about Alexander.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the wait, we (the authors) were in France for a while, dang-ing and frenchifying it up. which is why the previous few chapters have been so spotty, we've had some Paris and Nice to dank up.

G Swizzlety knew he done fucked up. He fucking burned his poptart. His whole kitchen was on fire now, just like his heart. His baby (burrito) boy was at home and the war was boring :((((((((((. He thought he’d console himself by ablazefying a new flavour of Pop Tat that had recently appeared in the shelves one day. This called for him to consult his inner lamb sauce and put his skills to the test.

 

Things had started so well for the leader of the patriots. He had plugged in his toaster with eeeeeease. The whole camp didn’t short circuit this time. He had foolishly thought this would mean the rest of his pop tart escapade would go just as well.

The general had a troubled past with his pap *clap* tat *clap* tos *clap*. Too many burnt. Too many crusty lives lost. Once, he had saved an innocent tart from a burning death by taking it out early, but one of the sprinkles on top had melted and got stuck to him. It was hot. (BUT NOT AS HOT AS ME A *TSSSSSS*) He still has the scars from that scalding day.

GG Gorgngington was growing more depressed everday Alex didn’t show up or he’d ruin another poptart. Life was now meaningless. 

 

“Wee wooo wee woo” came the fire trucks. “Weee ooo shchchhchhhhh neroooo WEOOOOOOOOOOO chkc chickk s sogdg HOP”   
  


“Ahem hello sir,” said the firefighter.

  
George looked over to the parking lot????? driveway?????? custom made Naruto background of the camp next to the kitchen. The fire was crumbling all the walls so he didn’t have to open a window, but some of the flames were getting in the way. Irritatedly, he shoved the fire to the side as he stepped over his burnt poptart on the floor.

 

“Is there a problem here officer?” George politely asked. “It’s a mighty fine morning, right?” *audible nose sniff*

 

“We’ve had reports of a burning fire around here,” replied the first officer.

 

“I think it’s just cause I’m so hot,” comments the second officer, licking his finger and setting on his hip. “Tsssssssssssssssssssssssssssss”

 

George squinted at the man’s face, chiseled like marble but coloured like uh. bismuth. His face, his jokes, his smile…

 

“Alex, is that you?” he said, rubbing his hands all over the model man. “Alex, I’m so glad you’re back in the war. It’s gonna be so lit now.”

 

In the distance, Alex leading his army doin whatever tf armies do, squinted into the sunlight. “This war is lit thanks to me,” he spoke into the mist swirling around the field.

 

The firefighter threw the general’s hands off his face with a disgusted shudder. “My name isn’t Alex, you idiot. And yeah, it is lit over here because there’s a FIRE.”

 

The fire from the crumbling building behind them crackled.

 

“...Really? Where?”

 

“Sir,” began the first firefighter, wrapping her hands on the fire extinguisher on her back. “Please.”

 

George looked around idly. “Yes?”

 

The rest of the squad cars (those are for police only, aren’t they? idgaf) began pulling up behind the initial truck, their sirens wailing into George’s ears and whining over the sound of the army kitchen’s roof collapsing.

 

_ His poptart was still in there…poptat….. _

 

The firefighters began to rush past him, bumping into his shoulders and brushing him to the side.

 

“History is always watching,” warned the man with the chiseled face, hoisting a hose onto his shoulder. As he passed, he resembled Alexander perfectly. George had to rub his eyes to make sure he wasn’t seeing his doe eyed hoe. “History always has been.”

 

The sound of rushing water and sizzling fire hummed underneath the wail of the sirens, and George collapsed to his knees.

 

_ History has always been watching. _

  
_ It knows his mistake. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ee-KXn81UMA been listening to this won a lot lately  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VtVFTuIZFYU this one is self-explanatory  
> -SailorChibiChibi
> 
> today, April 29th, marks Chuuya Nakahara’s birthday in Bungou Stray Dogs. this man has changed my life. he taught me how to roll your glass of wine. he taught me the difference between a fedora and a trilby. he taught me that it is okay to be short (and I’m talkin’ like real short). he’s so cute tho like…. he’s real handsome bruh. this anime character is the most beautiful person I’ve ever seen. HE ALSO GOT SOME REAL SHADY ABILITY THIS BOI CAN THROW SHIT AROUND LIKE HE’S IN AVATAR AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN WITHOUT HIS HAT FALLING OFF mmmmm this here's a magical little gem. happy birthday, Chuuya, m’boy, my son, my main man with the game plan. stay gr8  
> -parsniffs

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry there might be some typos. We will try and fall into an updating schedule soon. Feedback is appreciated!


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